A Mess of Things
by shaid
Summary: After episode 19, what happens? A non-linear mess of forgiveness, anger, fear and love. The aftermath of things right and wrong. Rated M for a good reason. Angela/Jordan pairing
1. Chapter 1

A Mess of Things

By Shaid

Chapter 1:

_April, 1997_

"Jordan?"

Angela was staring at me, waiting for an answer. But, like, I couldn't say anything; I could barely think. I wanted to, but there was this big, huge lump of emotions in my throat and I didn't think I could speak around them. My head was full of all these thoughts, so many of them totally opposite, and I wasn't quite sure what I should say. I mean, my first thought had been _holy shit!_ And after that, things got a little jumbled.

The two main feelings I could pick out were weird; I know they were right for the situation but totally weird, all the same. I was happy, so happy and excited I thought I might actually cry. But at the same time I was scared, more scared than I'd ever been before. The only thing that even came close was when I was still kinda little and my old man used to beat on me, but even that was mild compared to this.

I could see tears starting to form in the corners of Angela's eyes and I knew I needed to say something. Something, like, reassuring, so like, she didn't bolt. 'Cause I could totally see the wheels turning in her head and I could, like, see her closing off as I kept my mouth shut. So I said the only thing I could.

"Wow." It was barely a whisper and I knew I was breathing a little harder and that my heart was racing. I stared off into nothing for a few moments then looked back at her. She bit her lip, which was really cute, and looked down. I knew it didn't make her feel much better, but really, it was the _only_ thing I could think to say.

"Are you mad?" she asked, her voice really soft and fragile sounding, like if I said the wrong thing next she just might break apart. And since I loved her, breaking wasn't something I could let her do. I grinned a bit. Was I mad? No, that was one emotion I was definitely _not_ feeling right now.

"Mad? No! No, Angela, I'm not mad. Scared? Like, hell yeah. Very, very scared." I grabbed one of her hands and rubbed the back of her palm. "It's weird, 'cause like, I've never been this scared and this happy at the same time." She blinked and looked at me funny.

"You're happy?" There was definitely some fear in her voice this time, surprise as well, like she couldn't believe I'd actually be happy about this. I couldn't blame her; I was pretty surprised to be happy, myself.

"Yeah, I am. It's weird, but it feels right too. Happy and kinda excited. Scared as hell too, but that's like, not a bad thing. I don't think I've ever been this scared. Ever. And scared's not such a weird reaction, I don't think." I was rambling, like she used to when we first got together and she got really nervous. She still rambles when she's nervous.

"But happy's not really a weird reaction either, is it? I don't think so. I mean, I know it's not the best timing in the world, but this isn't the most _horrible_ thing in the world, either, right?" She shook her head and I pulled her into my lap. She felt good there, right, and I needed to be close to her to say these things. "You and me- We've been through a lot, Angela. And I know we're really young and your parents are going to freak out. My parents might actually freak out. Hell, we're not even finished with high school, yet. But that's not like, the real issue. 'Cause, like, we _have_ been through a lot and we're still here, together. And-" I paused, looking for the words that would make all of this a little more okay for her. "Angela, I love you. I'm willing to do this with you; whatever you decide we're doing. So as long as we've got that, I think we'll be okay."

"So you're not mad at me? I mean, you're not like, totally pissed that this happened? This is really big, Jordan. Really, really big. Graduation is still like, a month off and I'm planning on staying close for college but-" She was starting to babble so I cut her off.

"Ange, Babe, you didn't get pregnant all by your self." She blushed, just like she always did when I said something about us having sex. It had been over a year and a half since we'd first slept together but like, it still totally made her blush. A lot of the time, I'd say something just to get her to do that; it was cute but totally hot at the same time.

I should have expected this, really. I mean, we'd always used condoms but we both know they're not completely effective. Nothing's completely effective except not having sex at all. We tried that for the first part of our relationship and I don't think either of us were willing to go back to those days. And it's not like she was on the pill, either. With her parents in the middle of a messy divorce, it wasn't like she felt she could really like, talk to either of them about birth control or sex and since she was still under eighteen, they needed to okay things like that.

Telling her parents was going to be hell. Getting them to be in the same room together lately was hell, actually. And I knew Angela was totally imagining telling them by her self. Telling Patty and Graham I'd gotten their underage daughter pregnant wasn't something I was looking forward to; but I loved Angela, so I really couldn't let her face it alone. Patty still liked me and I was welcome in the house whenever (for now) but Graham didn't like me all that well. He was going to like me a hell of a lot less, real soon.

We'd been sitting on the floor in her room when she'd told me. She still liked for me to come over after school for a few hours and I did when I could. I had a gig tonight and I'd planned for her to be there, but now I was thinking it might be good if she stayed home. Usually, I was working; I wanted to get a nice apartment in Pittsburgh and I figured the best way to manage that would be to save up.

Thanks to her and Krakow, I was graduating with her; I was still pretty low on the class list, but at least I was graduating. We had been planning that when Angela started her freshman year at Pitt, I'd start taking a few courses at Allegheny Community College; get at least an associates degree in business so I could handle more things for the band. With my GPA (which was still pretty dismal) and my family's financial situation, community college was going to be the best option. She was looking to major in English, at least for now.

I was working at a local garage part time (it was at least an income), and playing gigs as often as we could. Residue was getting pretty big locally and we were getting signed to do openings and that shit. It had been a spur of the moment thing for me to take over as lead singer, but it seemed to work. We even had a demo that was selling pretty well in some local record stores. But this was something different… Things were going to have to change a bit.

I leaned back against her bed a little to look at her. I didn't see anything different about her, really. Yeah, her hair was a little different; still the same cut, a little longer, but the red was a little lighter now. She was still the Angela Chase I'd fallen for two years ago; she'd just grown up a bit. Her shape was slightly different, more filled out and her face had matured, I guess. She didn't look so much like a girl anymore as a woman.

_A woman who was carrying my child_. I could feel a bit of panic at that thought but I swallowed it down. I was doing my best to keep calm and to think things through here. A little bit of panic was okay; this was a _really_ big deal. But if I gave into it, I might do something stupid. _Yeah, it's my baby, but it's _her_ body_. She's seventeen still and would be for another three weeks. She was about to go off to college for the first time and… god, she had to be fucking terrified. At twenty, I'm old enough that a few of my friends have kids now and while it's still weird, it's also kinda… normal. At least as normal as things got for me. This was _really_ out of her comfort zone.

"So like, how long have you…?" My question trailed off into nothing. "I mean, you took a test, right? When? Why?"

She looked embarrassed and started fidgeting. "I started suspecting about two weeks ago when I missed my period again. And I was kinda, like, sick in the morning, too. Obvious signs, you know?" She smiled and rolled her eyes a bit. "I was like, really reluctant to even take a test but figured I'd better, especially with the nausea."

"Again?" I was kinda curious. I mean, I sorta knew how this stuff worked, a little. We're all forced to take Sex Ed at some point, you know. That, however, had been before I could read as well as I did now so I wasn't as sure of the mechanics as I'd like to be. Either way, I knew Angela knew more about it than I ever would.

"Yeah, missing _one_ is kinda normal. Like, it's no big deal. But missing two in a row? Yeah, that's something to worry about, especially if you're not on the pill."

"So when did you take a test? Where'd you get it?"

"Um, well, I kinda took it right before you picked me up today." She blushed and I remembered how distracted she'd seemed in the car. "And I, um, sorta asked Rayanne to get it for me last night." The last part she definitely mumbled.

"Graff?"

"Yeah. She was the only person I could really think of who wouldn't completely freak out on me. Sharon would have been a wreck about it, _especially_ since she's had two pregnancy scares in the last year. She's swearing off sex until after college. I doubt she'll make it through the summer. And Ricky? Honestly, I think Ricky would have been half freaked out and half gaga over it being like, romantic or something." She groaned and buried her head in my shoulder. "As if an un-planned teenage pregnancy is somehow romantic! Anyway. Rayanne, flighty as she is, was the one person who I felt would take it seriously enough not to flip out. She still teased me but at least she was, you know, practical about it. As much of a mess as she is and as awkward as it's been with her and me, Rayanne was the only one I wanted to trust with this. Other than you, of course."

Graff and I still didn't talk. I'm not sure we ever will. Angela had forgiven both of us, though I still felt really bad about it every once in a while; guilty, you know? I'd been a total asshole and I still didn't deserve her. I doubted there was any way to really make it up to her for what we'd done, but I would still try.

Anyway, Graff and Angela might have mended fences but they still fought. Sometimes, I wondered why they put themselves through this shit. There were days when it seemed like Angela was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still didn't quite understand why my girl was friends with her, especially after what we'd done. Of course, I'd never understood why she'd forgiven me, either.

"So, like, why didn't you ask _me_ to get you the pregnancy test?" She turned bright cherry red and looked down, mumbling into my shirt. I wasn't really hurt about it, though I think she thought I was. But I knew Angela; she like, totally over-thought everything. She worried about everything, too. I smiled and held her closer. "I'm not mad, I promise. And I didn't quite hear you, there, Babe." She looked up at me and bit her lip again.

"I didn't want to say anything unless I was sure. I didn't want you to get upset or be mad at me. Or like, worry, you know? And the only way to be sure was to… you know. So I talked to Rayanne after you left last night. And I told her that she couldn't breathe a word of this to anyone, on pain of death." She laughed a little. I really hoped Graff wouldn't be a bitch about this and spread it around the school; Angela was going to have a hard enough time with this. "She teased me a bit. Okay, she teased me a lot, but she was like, really supportive at the same time."

"Graff was supportive?"

"Well, yeah! We may not be _best_ friends all the time, but she's still, like, my friend. And she cares about me."

"So like, what did she say?" I asked.

"The first thing she said was that I needed to tell you. Like, last week."

"Yeah, I'd agree with her on that. So did you tell her that, you know, you are?" I smiled a little and slid my hand over her belly. Nothing felt different, but I knew that would change soon. It was like, a really weird feeling, knowing that something was actually _growing_ inside her, right under my hand. Not just some_thing_, either; it was like, an actual person. _Holy shit_.

"No, I told her that either way, I was going to talk to you first and call her later tonight. I felt you had the right to be the first person I told about… the baby." We both kinda paused at the word and I felt my heart speed up again. _Oh, holy fuck!_ "Anyway, she said she'd expected that. She also said that she was like, really happy for me." I raised my eyebrow at that, more than a little surprised. "She- She thinks I'll make a good mom," she whispered. I could hear that she was about to cry so I kissed her forehead.

"I agree with her on that, too."

"I'm so scared, Jordan!" I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her in tight, kissing her shoulder.

"Angela, Baby, it's going to be alright. We can do this. We'll figure this out," I whispered to her, stroking her hair. Right then, I think she just kinda broke down because she started sobbing. The only thing I could really do for her was hold her, so I did. She cried for a long time, almost an hour, and when she stopped, she fell asleep. I'd carried her once before, but she was like, conscious then; this was a bit harder, but I was able to get her onto her bed and sit down next to her. She slept pretty peacefully, curled up against my side. I just sat with her and stroked her hair.

Ten minutes later I heard Patty's car pull up. I'd parked on the street, so she'd know I was there. A few moments later I heard the back door opening and Patty called up. "Angela? Jordan? I'm home." Danielle was with Graham and Hallie this week so there was no one else in the house. Quietly, I got up so I wouldn't wake Angela and crept down the stairs. Her mom was in the living room.

"Hey, Jordan. Where's-"

"Shhh," I whispered. "She fell asleep about twenty minutes ago. Said she wasn't feeling so good and looked really tired. I told her I'd stay at least until you got home."

"Thanks, Jordan. You want to stay for dinner?"

"Sure, but I've got a gig in like two hours, so I can't stay long." Patty just nodded and headed back to the kitchen. "Mind if I stay up with Angela while you get stuff ready?"

"No, go ahead. We're just going to have pasta, it'll be ready soon."

I went back to her room and just sat with her, kinda staring off into nothing, trying to think. I'd been totally blindsided by this. I mean, I knew I loved her; I knew she loved me. I'd been thinking in terms of… years with her, possibly decades. But a baby… We weren't ready, not by a long shot. It was way too soon; we were like, way too young. As if that had ever mattered. We'd been careful, but not careful enough, I guess.

Still, I wasn't sure what Angela wanted and it was really more her decision than mine. It was her body being hijacked and all that. I couldn't help thinking that whatever was in there was also part of me. Would she want to keep it? Get rid of it? I didn't really like that option; anything I made with Angela was something I wanted to keep. I just hoped she'd feel the same way. If we kept it (Her? Him?) what would we do? How would our lives work? I wanted to keep performing my music but local bands without major label record deals didn't make much money. Angela had been accepted to Pitt for the fall semester and had a part time job in a book store. How would college, work, performing and a baby fit into our lives?

And then there was the M word. Both of us came from families that had split and it didn't matter that my mom had left when I was twelve because my dad beat on her or that Angela's dad had cheated on her mom less than two years ago. Both of us were still kinda fragile because of it and I think we were both like, kinda phobic about a commitment like that now. But we were having a baby. Babies _needed_ commitment, stability and parents. (Holy shit, we were going to be _parents_.) Would she want to marry me? Did I want to marry her?

I knew there was part of me that didn't mind the idea so much. I think it was the same part that had realized I needed her.

Patty knocked on the door. "Jordan, Angela, dinner's ready."

"We'll be right down," I answered. "Ange, Babe, your mom's home. She made some dinner." She opened her eyes slowly. "You don't have to come down. You've been sleeping about forty-five minutes, though."

"Your gig," she groaned, sleep still in her voice. "How soon is it?"

"Like, in an a little over an hour. Don't worry; I'll make it on time. And I'd like you to stay home, Babe. You look exhausted and you need your rest." Angela snorted and rolled her eyes at me. How she did that and still looked so cute was beyond me. But I loved it.

"Jordan, I'm pregnant, not dying. A rock concert is not going to kill me." I rolled my eyes right back but helped her up off the bed. "Do you know what mom was making?"

"She said pasta." I held her hand as we walked downstairs and sat at the dining room table. Patty smiled at us.

"Hi, sweetie! Jordan said you weren't feeling well?"

"Just a bit tired, mom. I've been studying too hard, I think."

The rest of dinner was pretty quiet; Patty asked both of us about our day and we made a bit of small talk. It was pretty normal for me to have dinner with them when I wasn't working or at a gig. I rarely had Angela over at my house, though she and her mom have both met my dad. I never wanted to leave this place; my house was usually empty except for myself. As we ate dinner I kept thinking that I should call my mom tonight and tell her the news. I hadn't spoken to her in a few weeks and she was living in California now so it would still be fairly early when I called.

When we finished dinner, I tried to get Angela to go lay back down, telling her she looked exhausted but she brushed off my worries. "I'm fine, Jordan. I'm your good luck charm, anyway. You wouldn't want to perform without me." I could feel the smile on her lips as she kissed my cheek, but it wasn't enough to convince me.

"You _are_ my good luck charm, Angela, more than you really know. But I'm worried about you getting sick, so I want you to stay home and rest tonight." I kissed her lightly on the lips. "Weren't you planning on calling Graff anyway?" She frowned and nodded. I pulled her closer and whispered in her ear in case Patty was listening. "I'm going to call Mom after the gig and let her know. And I'm probably going to tell Shane, too." I could feel her stiffen in my arms but she nodded. "I love you. Sleep well, tonight."

"Okay. I love you, too. Good night." She pressed her lips against mine and I felt the world spinning. I wanted to take her right there; the feel of her was intoxicating. I backed away from her and smiled.

"Love you." Her cheek was warm against my palm and I gazed into her green eyes for a moment before smiling and shouting a good bye to Patty.

* * *

The gig went well, though I didn't feel as energized as I did when Angela was there to watch. The crowd seemed pumped, all the same, and the rest of the band was excited too. There had been plenty of energy in the room and it seemed like our songs had been pretty well received. There was one new one in particular I'd been trying out tonight. I had hoped that Angela would be able to hear it tonight. Well, she may have missed this concert but I'd make sure she got to the next to hear it.

It was a good night, but I couldn't wait to see Angela in the morning. I was still worried about her and what she was thinking, but I couldn't call her tonight to find out; she didn't have a phone in her room. I didn't have one either, but I was usually home alone at night. Shane noticed the lack of my significant other and raised his eyebrows at me a few times, quietly asking me where she was. I was glad he waited until the other guys were gone to say actually anything to me. I drove him to his parents' house and followed him in for a beer. We stood in the garage and he handed me a bottle.

"I think we did pretty good tonight," I said. "Stage Manager said there were a few of his buddies asking for our number, wanting to book some new shows. Might even be a local festival this summer. He also said there were a few clubs down in Pittsburgh that we might be able to play at. I figure playing downtown would be a good deal. Did you notice if Paul stayed sober? I was too busy with the mike and shit to keep a close watch."

"Yeah, he kept it light with the booze. The D.U.I. scared the crap out him, I know, so he's not likely to fuck up again." Shane smirked. "I heard his girlfriend will revoke sex if he comes over drunk. Hell, if he drinks in front of her while he's still paying for the D.U.I., she'll walk."

"Good. Hopefully she means enough to him that he'll listen. He's a good bassist and I'd really hate for him to be in jail when we need him." I pulled the pack of cigarettes and my lighter out of my pocket and looked hard at them for a minute. No second hand smoke around Angela right now. Maybe it was time… They both went back into my pocket. "I was just thinking about quitting smoking."

"Huh. Well, I guess that's not a bad thing, you know?" He nodded, but he sounded suspicious. I knew he knew something was up.

"No…"

"So, like, where was your girl tonight, Catalano? I thought she said she'd be coming to this one." I'd known Shane since we were six or seven and there was very little about me that he didn't really understand. When I'd first started seeing Angela, he'd thought it was funny that I didn't want anyone to see her with me; he didn't know who it was that I'd been sneaking around with, but he knew it was more serious than I let on. He'd thought it was even funnier when I told him I didn't want to hide what I had with her anymore. When the drama over the lack of sex (which he found hilarious) and the issues with Graff had settled, it was clear I was staying with her so he'd introduced himself to her at one of our rehearsals. Angela had immediately recognized him as someone else who cared about me and they'd become fast friends.

"Jordan, dude." He snapped his fingers in front of my face as if I'd fallen asleep and laughed. "Where is she? You guys have another fight?" Angela and I didn't fight often, but when we did they were big. And I was generally pretty miserable until we made up. He tried not to, but Shane worried, especially about my relationship with Angela; she'd become a bit like a sister to him and was one of the few girls I'd been with that he didn't check out. She seemed to bring out the protective side of people.

"Nah, man, nothing like that; we're good." I shook my head and shrugged. "She's just home 'cause she's tired."

"But something's up. You've got the 'thinking hard' look on your face, the one you only use for Angela Angst. It's like all like, dark and tortured. Dude, I feel like your marriage counselor sometimes." He pushed me and grabbed his own beer. "So what's up?" I took a deep breath and looked at him hard for a minute.

Last year, Shane's girl, Beth, had gotten pregnant; both of them had agonized over what to do. There wasn't an easy solution for them but they'd decided to keep the baby and try to make it on their own; I'd been worried about both of them and had tried not to imagine myself in the same situation. Unfortunately, not even two weeks after they'd found out, Beth had miscarried. She'd left him soon after, saying it was too just much. He knew what I was going through.

"Angela's pregnant."

He looked at me blankly for a minute before letting out a long breath. "Wow."

"Yeah, that was the first thing I could say, too." We both laughed.

"So like, how are you guys doing? When did you find out?"

"We're… okay. We found out tonight. She took a test after school today. We're both scared but I _think_ we're okay for now. We haven't had the chance to really talk about it or what we're going to do, but I think we'll be alright." We both stood there drinking our beers and staring at nothing.

"She's still seventeen," he said after a long silence.

"I know."

"Neither of you have graduated yet."

"I _know_."

"Her parents are going to flip out."

"Yes. They are. And so are mine."

"So, how are you holding up? Any thoughts of running or bailing on her?" He eyed me over his beer.

"No," I snorted, annoyed he'd felt the need to ask the question. But I understood completely at the same time. "It's weird. On the one hand I'm scared shitless. I've _never_ been this scared before, not even when I was a kid and my old man came after me with a hockey stick." Both of us remembered that day, unfortunately. "But on the other hand it's like… I'm excited. I know the timing is terrible, but… I can't help being a bit happy about it."

"I know what you mean, man. When Beth…" He always seemed to get a bit choked up about Beth, even though she'd left six months ago. I put my hand on his shoulder and shook him a bit.

"It's okay, man. I know it's hard to talk about." I pulled away and took a swig of my beer. "Of course, now I sorta have an idea of what you're going through."

"Jordan, man," he said, his voice a bit harsh. "I hope you never really do. Angela is so fucking good for you and I don't want you to lose her or the baby. She loves you and I hope you treat her right."

"I do the best I can," I replied. "She's really… important to me. Man, sometimes I feel so _stupid_ next to her! She deserves a hell of a lot better than me; she's so fucking smart. But unless she tells me to leave, I'm sticking to her like glue. And she won't get rid of me without one _hell_ of a fight."

"I know, considering the fight you put up to get her back the time you did let her go. It was really strange to see you like that, you know? To know that for some odd reason this tiny, little, fifteen year old girl had some sort of power over you." He laughed at what I'm sure was an image of Angela from two years ago. "She was like, so small and skinny and like innocent looking. She's still skinny and innocent looking."

"Yeah, but the innocence is part of her charm, you know, part of who she is. Just like being obsessive and weird is one of her more endearing personality traits." I couldn't help my grin.

"Yeah, and she'd love to hear you say that. Do you know, like, how far along she might be?" he asked. I frowned, not quite sure. It really annoyed me that I didn't know more about this! I'd have to start looking stuff up soon so I knew what was going on.

"She said she missed two periods in a row and that missing one wasn't really like, something to worry about; it was kinda like, normal. But two in a row meant something was up." I ran my hand through my hair. "Fuck, I wish I could remember more about this shit! I feel like a total dumb ass not knowing more."

"It's ok, man. You're not going to be tested or anything!" Taking a swig of his beer cut him off. "So she's like, at two months?" I could see him starting to worry about me and Angela from the frown on his face as he looked back over at me. "Dude, you're going to be a dad by Thanksgiving."

I fell back against the garage wall and closed my eyes. "Holy fucking shit."

* * *

I headed home from Shane's after I'd finished my beer. We'd talked a little bit more about the band and about Angela. He understood where my head was right now and I was really glad I'd told him what was going on. It made it easier to think about and more real. Now I just had to figure out how to tell my mother. Should I call her tonight or should I wait for Thursday when Angela would be able to talk to her too?

Everything was locked and dark at the house. Dad was working the graveyard shift again lately, not that either of us minded. The less we had to see each other, the better. He'd thought I'd be moving out as soon as I turned eighteen. Hell, he'd planned to kick me out on my birthday. But I told him he'd have to wait until I was out of high school to really get rid of me. He hadn't liked that too much and we'd fought over it. I'd won.

I knew I'd eventually have to tell my old man about the baby, but I was glad to avoid it for now. Angela would definitely _not_ be present for that conversation; she'd met him once and I felt that was all that was necessary. He was going to be at our graduation, but I wasn't as worried knowing we'd be in a crowd or with her parents. As unpredictable as he was, I was pretty sure he'd never do anything to Angela. But old habits die hard.

After I'd parked in the garage, I went in through the kitchen door, turning on a light. The house was pretty well kept up, but not much to look at. The paint was faded and a bit chipped and the windows were original. The kitchen hadn't been updated since the early seventies but it was functional. Well, it was functional for two men sharing living space. Angela's kitchen was warm and friendly, you could feel welcome there, even if you'd never expected to. This was just a fridge, a stove and a sink; some counter space with some cabinets, a microwave and a table and chair set.

I stared at the phone for a few moments wondering if I should call my mother; it was a lot later than I'd been expecting when I'd planned the call. The clock on the microwave read one forty-eight AM which meant it was nearly eleven in California; far too late for me to be calling.

Still, I felt like I needed to talk to her. I picked up the receiver and sat at the table, dialing her number. She picked up on the third ring.

"Hello?" Her voice was a bit sleepy.

"Debbie? Did I wake you?"

"Jordan! Hey! Yeah, you did, but it's still early. Kinda." I heard some mumbling in the background and she whispered back to it. "It's Jordan. I'll go to the den to talk to him, Love. So, my baby boy, to what do I owe the honor of a two AM call? Did you have a gig tonight? Oh! Did you get signed?"

I laughed; I didn't think any of my band mates had moms who were as supportive of them as Debbie was of me. But she hadn't always been there, either. When she'd left, no one had known where she'd gone and it was nearly three years before I heard from her. And if Joan hadn't been born, I might not have heard from her ever again.

It had turned out that when she left my old man, she'd run to a shelter for battered women in California. She'd started working there after a while and had met a guy there, Pete I think his name was, while he was volunteering. They'd gotten married after about a year and she'd had Joan not long after that. I was fifteen when she'd tried to contact me again and for a while, I had refused to talk to her when she'd call. But after a while, her calls had worn me down. And to be honest, I'd missed her. I'd seen her just three or four times in the past five years but she called at least once a month.

"No, Ma, we didn't get signed."

"Well, it's only a matter of time. Hey, maybe after you graduate you and your band can move out here! You'd have a much better chance out here. There are so many record execs in LA and San Francisco. And I hear the scene is really great here."

"Yeah, um, that's not such a good idea right now. I mean Angela's supposed to be starting at Pitt in the fall and-"

"She can come with you! There are sure to be just as many colleges out here that would accept her, especially if she's as smart as you've been bragging she is. Oh! I can't wait to meet her at your graduation!" She went on about how excited she was to meet Angela and about how excited for me she was that I'd found someone like her. And really, I couldn't blame her. Angela was everything to me.

"Mom," I said, trying to interrupt her. "Mom, I've got… I've got something to tell you." She stopped and I sighed.

"Jordan, what's wrong?" Her voice had taken on a note of panic. Damn it, why was I scaring her like this. But I couldn't bring myself to spit it out. "Did you and Angela have a fight? Is everything ok?"

"Why is everyone assuming we fought?" I spat, nearly growling at her. "Shane asked that too."

"Because you sound upset and scared and the only thing that scares you lately is losing that girl. And I can't blame you. I can tell how important she is to you." We were both quiet for a moment.

"Angela is- You see we kinda-" I took a deep breath and let it out again, trying to stay calm. It was harder than I'd thought it would be. But this would be nothing like the experience of telling Patty and Graham. This was a piece of cake compared to that nightmare to come. "Debbie? You're going to be a grandmother."

"Oh." For a moment all I could hear was her breathing.

"Mom?" I knew she was disappointed in me. She'd drilled so hard into my head to be careful, to be very, very careful. She didn't want me making mistakes like hers; mistakes like having a baby at nineteen.

"Not planned, I'm assuming?" Her voice was strained.

"Not at all."

"Oh. Well." She was silent for another few moments. "Well. That's certainly… news."

"We're both scared to death."

"And you should be," she snapped, real anger in her voice. "You're both so young! How old is Angela now? Eighteen?"

"Seventeen."

"Oh, God!" I could hear she was nearly in tears. "She's still a child! You're still a child! But seventeen? Jordan, what were you thinking?"

"That I love her. That I'll stick by her no matter what. That she means the world to me," I whispered. "But I wasn't thinking that this would happen."

"No. But it did."

"I was thinking we might want to wait until she turns eighteen to tell her parents."

"You haven't told her parents yet?"

"We just found out tonight! The only person I've talked to about this, other than you and Angela, is Shane. Shane kinda knows where my head is at in this."

"Oh and Shane knows all about the trials of teenage parenthood?" she nearly shrieked. "Tell me, did he congratulate you? Or did he just say 'bummer, dude.'"

"Last summer his girlfriend told him she was pregnant. But two weeks later she lost the baby. Then she left him. He's not really all that over it. So yeah, he kinda knows the score." I nearly growled the last part at her. "And he worries about Angela like she's his little sister so he's also kinda pissed at me, too, but he hasn't really said anything. He did warn me not to bail on her, though. Like he really needed to.

"Angela's terrified," I whispered, rambling. "She cried herself to sleep after she told me. I don't know what to do for her. I love her. I love her more than anything and I'll do whatever she needs. _Whatever_ she needs; but I don't know what that is. And I don't have the first clue what it might be. We acted like everything was normal in front of her mom, but I know she's falling apart. I told her that we'll get through this together and that I love her. And that helped her, for now. She was still mostly calm when I left. But all I can think is 'holy shit'."

"Jordan? Are you okay, honey?"

"No!" I screamed at her. "No! I'm not okay! I'm scared fucking shitless! I've never been so frightened. Not when dad beat on me. Not when you left. And there was _no way_ I could break down in front of Angela. No way at all. God, Mom, you should have seen her; shaking, crying, so scared that I'll be mad at her." I laughed, but it was the kind of laugh where nothing's really funny. "Like she, who reminded me every single time we did anything even remotely sexual to wear a fucking condom, had gotten pregnant on purpose; like she'd somehow gotten knocked up all on her own." Her fear had hurt me, and it was all I could do not to start screaming right then. I was on the verge of tears and I knew it. I punched the wall a few times and it helped a bit but there was still so much.

"It's okay," she whispered. "Say what you need to say, Jordan. She's not here to hear it. You can't hurt her with it right now."

"We're not ready for this, Mom. I mean, yeah, I've been thinking of this relationship with her as a _permanent_ thing, as in a something for a lifetime. I'm not letting her go. But-" I was trying not to hyperventilate. "A baby? A real flesh and blood little person? There's a part of me that's like, excited, yeah. But the smart side is scared as fuck. We can't do this! We can't! I work at a fucking garage! I barely graduated high school. And for fuck's sake she's still just _seventeen_! Patty and Graham could have me arrested, if they don't just kill me. She's underage and I fucked her. Hell, I've been fucking her since she was barely sixteen. I tried to fuck her when she was still fifteen! Over a year and a half of statutory rape. They'll have me arrested, I'll go to jail and I'll never get to-" I felt tears threaten again and punched the wall instead. The painted paneling was hard but there were dents from my knuckles and blood smeared by the phone. I'd have to have Angela bandage me up in the morning.

"You'll never get to what, Jordan?" My mother's voice was soft.

"I'll never get to see our baby." I heard my voice crack, but right then, I didn't really care. Yeah, I was scared. And I had _no idea_ what we were going to do. But Angela and I had- god, we'd created a _life_ together. And as scary as that was, as insane as that was, I wanted to see that.

"Well, that seems to have said it all," she said, tears in her voice. "I'll do whatever I can to help you and Angela, Jordan. If there is anything I can do, tell me and I'll see it done."

"Thank you."

"That's what mothers, and apparently grandmothers, are for." She laughed then and I could tell it was one of those "not really funny" laughs. "Damn it, Jordan, you're making me a grandmother at thirty-nine! I'm way too young for this. And Joan's only six! She'll be more like a cousin than an aunt. You haven't told you father yet, have you?"

"If I had, he would have kicked me out."

"Jordan, I know Giovanni's not quite _that_ bad. He's an abusive asshole and a terrible human being, but he's still your father. He's not going to-"

"Yeah, he is. It's been eight years, Debbie." I couldn't call her Mom when I talked about the old man. I just had to distance it all somehow. "He's just gotten worse since you left. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten fired; I know he goes to work drunk. But the electricity's still on and we haven't been evicted, so I know he's still paying the bills."

"Has he…" She couldn't finish, but I knew what she was asking.

"Yeah. Not often, 'cause he's scared of me now; I'm stronger than him now. But yeah, he's gotten in a few hits. Scares the _hell_ out of Angela when she sees the bruises, so I don't often tell her where they come from."

"Does she know?"

"Yeah. Not that I want her to. She's met Giovanni once and she'll see him at the graduation, I think. But I uh- I don't want him around her." I punched the wall one more time. "I don't want her to see that."

"I wish you'd come out here," she whispered. "You and Angela; I'd love to have you both here with me. I wish I'd been able to protect you, too, honey. You have no idea how much I wish I'd been able to."

"Angela's going to need her mom." And I'd gotten used to not having mine around. I'd never tell her that, but it was true.

"I'm so sorry."

"I know." But it wasn't quite enough.

* * *

A/N: I edited. Not heavily, but I fixed a few things that had been bugging me. I have a Beta now. luvjordan has been freaking **_AMAZING_**. She didn't edit this for me, but we talked about my plans. Or rather, I explained to her and she agreed. Chapter 2 doesn't need the same amount of tweaking, I don't think. I'll have that done by the time chapter 4, which is actually related to 2, is up. 3 should be up later tonight.

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews. They give me a warm fuzzy feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

A Mess of Things

Chapter 2: Forgiving, Forgetting, Foregoing

(edited 8/13/09)

_Two years earlier, after the 19__th__ episode, February, 1995._

She stared out the window as I drove away from her house. I'm pretty sure she didn't want to look at me. I mean, she had been talking pretty intensely to Krakow and she's smart; she had to know I didn't write that letter by now. I mean, she knows what I'm able to do; how could she really think I'd written that?

The thing was, I meant it, even if I didn't completely understand what the letter said. Well, at first I mean; once Brain explained, I understood. And the letter fit just like I'd hoped. What I wanted to say was that I need her. I didn't really understand until I'd lost her as even a friend how much she meant to me; how important just talking to her had become. She didn't, like, look down on me when we talked like some other smart girls did; she treated me like, as her equal. And it felt really good. Part of me is pretty sure she'll never trust me again. And I think that same part wants it to stay that way so that I can't hurt her again. But another part just wants her to come back, to care about me again and… I miss her. She's sitting right next to me and I miss her.

I drove aimlessly for a few minutes, the silence only kinda uncomfortable. She's like that, though. Sometimes we could sit for like, hours and not say a word, not even kiss or anything, and it just felt right. But sometimes, I needed to say things to her and I think she, like, knew or something; so the quiet felt like the humming of my amp.

This was one of those times.

So I drove us to this park. It's quiet and no one much comes here so we'd have some time with just to two of us. Used to be, when I was with a girl, all I'd be thinking about was how to get her out of her clothes. And I still think about what sex with Angela might be like, like all the fucking time. But, somehow I'm not like, totally driven by it. Yeah, I want her, like a hell of a lot. But I also want her to trust me; I want her to stay with me, you know? I want to like, know her.

Thing is, a guy like me, I'm not sure I've really got the right to have something like that. But I want it.

I parked and stared out the windshield, feeling her eyes on me now. I closed my own eyes and sighed, not really looking forward to this conversation. I knew I'd hurt her and I knew that there wasn't any kind of excuse for what I'd done. The best I could hope for was that she let me apologize. At worst, she'd tell me to fuck off and never speak to me again. That first option looked real good. I opened my eyes and turned to her; I could see all kinds of emotions in her eyes but I didn't quite understand them.

She was upset and I needed to ease into this, start out simple. "I met your mom today," I said. It was the first thing to come to my mind.

"You said something about that earlier," she said curiously.

"Yeah, I came over to talk to you but you weren't there. She let me in and talked to me. We sat in your kitchen for like, a really long time. She asked me a lot of questions." I was fidgeting a bit, I knew it, but I was still like, really nervous and her staring at me wasn't helping much. "She's really nice."

Angela smiled a bit. "Yeah, everyone's always saying that. But like, I'm the one who argues with her all the time." She was fidgeting too, playing with the hem of her shirt. I watched as she chewed on her bottom lip and pushed her hair behind her ears; she always did that when she was thinking hard about something or was nervous. "So like, what did you two talk about? What questions did she ask you?"

"Well, we mostly talked about you. I mean, I told her like, some about myself, you know? Like where I live and that kinda thing." I shrugged. There didn't seem to be any point in hiding what we'd talked about; I'd never lie to Angela anyway. "She asked about when we were dating and why you were like, upset lately. And I told her about the letter."

"What did you tell her about the letter?" Her voice shook a little and I knew that someone had either told her outright or she'd guessed before I could tell her the truth myself.

"That I didn't write it. That I asked Brain to help me because I couldn't say what I needed to on my own. I told her about what happened between me and Graff and everything." I looked at her closely. "Do you remember what I told you, Angela? I don't lie. I told her all about it and about the reason I need to talk to you." She nodded and looked down at her hands, but I knew she was still listening. "I even told her why I couldn't write it, why I had to ask Brain to write it for me."

"Okay."

"I didn't write that letter and I feel really bad about letting you think I did. I'm not like, good with words, you know? I mean, I can like, write a song, but not a paragraph. So while like, I meant everything that letter said, I wasn't the one who wrote it. I wanted to try to explain how I feel and I couldn't come up with the right words on my own." She opened her mouth to say something but I put my finger against her lips. God, they were so fucking soft! I just wanted to kiss them again, lick them, bite them until she moaned and… I shook my head and tried to concentrate.

"I know you know," I continued. "I _did_ see you talking to Krakow when I came up to you outside your house and I know you were talking to him about the letter. I just needed to make sure you heard my side, too. You're really smart, Angela, and I knew you would figure it out. I'm really sorry I didn't get to tell you this morning, but I did like, try pretty hard. Then, when you kissed me, it was kinda hard to think of anything else." I took my finger off her lips and ran that hand through my hair, watching as she bit her lower lip. "So like, if you want me to take you home, I will. But I want you to know that I'm sorry; like really, really fucking sorry. I'm a jerk and I totally don't deserve you, but I like… I can't get you out of my head, Angela! And then I went and totally fucked everything all up. What I did with Graff, it was wrong, and we both…

"I can't even look at her now! I like, never liked her much to begin with but now it's like, I did this stupid and unforgivable thing with her and it's kinda made both of us miserable. And that's really weird because sex has never made me miserable before, ever. It's always been fun. But it really wasn't this time. And when I realized what I'd really done- Angela, I'm so sorry. Sorry doesn't even begin to cover it. I knew you'd figure the letter out, but I needed to get you to talk to me again so I could tell you, explain what had happened and all that. So, I'm sorry about that too. And…" she looked up and I met her eyes fully. For a second, it was like I couldn't breathe.

"It took me a while but, I figured something out in English a while back when you were out. See Kitimski was reading this poem and in it, the guy was talking about this girl. She wasn't gorgeous or anything like that, but he loved her. Because she was like, real. She didn't need to be a super model or anything like that; she just needed to be herself. And it made me think of you. To me, you're really beautiful, but it's not just because of the physical stuff like your face or your skin or anything like that. And it's kinda funny because, I mean, physically you _are_ really beautiful. But the way I feel about you doesn't have a lot to do with that. It's kinda more because you're… so real. You're special just because you're you. And it made me really think about how I feel about you. And that made me realize that- I need you. Angela, I've never really needed _anyone_ and I need you more than I'm really comfortable with. So, yeah. If you want, I'll take you back home and you don't have to talk to me again. But I want you to know that I _really_ want to be with you, _however_ you're willing to."

She frowned and looked away from me and this fear rose up inside me. She was gonna tell me to go fuck myself, I was sure. I could just hear it: _Sure, you need me. You need me so much you fucked my best friend! Fuck off, Jordan Catalano_.

But that wasn't what she said.

"Jordan, I… That letter really made me happy, you know? And yeah, it _is_ one of the main reasons I'm talking to you now. And I'm… really glad I _am_ talking to you. I missed you. And the things you just said to me… It means _a lot_, Jordan. I'm really glad you were able to tell me you feel that way. It makes me feel really special. And if you had just been able to say that instead of getting Brian to write that letter, I still would have forgiven you. Hearing that in your own words means more to me, really. And no, you don't have to take me home. We can talk. But I'm also like, really confused now."

"Confused about what?"

"See, I've like, forgiven you already, you know? I kinda forgave you as soon as you apologized yesterday. It's sometimes hard for me to stay mad at you, even when I really want to. And I really wanted to, Jordan." There were tears in her eyes and it tore at my heart. "You hurt me. But I haven't forgiven Rayanne yet and I, um, don't know if I really can, even when she does apologize. _If_ she apologizes.

"Yeah, you, a guy I dated but didn't sleep with, slept with my best friend. But somehow, it's worse that she, the best friend I thought of as a sister, slept with you. And I don't know if I can like, be with _you_ right now, either. I'm still like, angry and hurt inside and I don't know how to get over it. The weird thing is I still want to be near you, to talk to you and just sit and be with you. And it hurts so much! It hurts to even want it."

"Angela, I didn't mean to hurt you…"

"But you did! What the hell were you thinking, Jordan?" She finally screamed at me and I could see tears streaming down her face. "How could you do something like that? Do you have any idea how much it hurts?" I reached out to wipe her tears and she batted my hand away. "Don't touch me! I can't let you touch me right now! Not after what you- _who_ you… did. Why? Why, Jordan? Why did you do that? How could you?"

I had to close my eyes; thinking of the night I had sex with Graff hurt. Not just because of what happened with Angela after, but because I'd been in such a low place because of how I felt about her. Being "just friends" with her had been hard, harder than anything I'd ever done. It wasn't just that I wanted her body, which I did, a lot; I also wanted… I wasn't quite sure what the hell it was I wanted. But it was more than just sex. A lot more. Everything was different with Angela, _everything_.

That night, I'd been drinking to try to get her out of my head and it really wasn't working. The more I drank, the more I saw her in my mind. She was just so innocently beautiful. The way she smiled and it lit up her whole body, or when the smile was fake and it looked more like she was in pain. I remember Rayanne talking about her, about how innocent and easy to care about she was.

Even as fucked up as I had been that night, I had known that what I was doing was wrong and sick. I don't even like Rayanne; she's too much like me. But for a moment, it was a way for us to get what we both wanted; Graff got a chance to pretend she was Angela and I got to have her. When I kissed Rayanne, she was Angela in my mind. When I opened the door and followed her into the back seat, I was thinking about Angela. And I thought about Angela through the whole thing; from the moment my hands touched skin to the moment I pulled away. It was all for Angela. I think I even said her name as I came. I was disgusted with myself. _She_ should be disgusted with me. I was afraid to tell her, but she'd asked and I don't lie.

"I knew it was wrong. I knew even while I was doing it, that it was wrong. I was thinking about how much I missed you," I whispered. "Remember in the car when I told you to stop doing my homework?" She nodded. "I was angry. Because I was thinking that I didn't like being 'just friends' with you. I like, suck at it. 'Cause I want to be more than just your _'friend'_. It's not just about sex, either. You're like, more than that to me." She was still crying, but there wasn't much I could do about it right now. This was just going to get worse.

"At Louie's, I was drinking because I wanted to stop thinking about you. But I couldn't. The more I drank, the more I thought about you. _Everything_ made me think of you. And Graff was there, already drunk as hell, and she started talking to me about you and how she felt like, less than you or soemthing. So she like, gave me her flask and I drank the whole damn thing. And it didn't stop it. I was drunk and she was drunk and we were both still thinking and talking about you.

"Through the _whole thing_, I thought about you. And I know that's wrong and what I did makes me sick. I'm pretty sure Graff feels sick about it too. I know she doesn't like me much; she kinda just tolerated me for your sake. She always like, called me out on it when she thought I wasn't treating you right. And I don't know if she'll still do that, or if I even need her to anymore. Making things right with you is all that really matters to me right now. And I'm kinda beginning to understand what the right things to do are. I think.

"I know it sounds fucked up, especially after- you know, but Angela, she cares about you a hell of a lot. I think she missed you more than she let on and that she's more like, jealous of you than she wants to say. I hate being the reason your friendship fell apart." Angela was crying really hard now, but really quiet, like she didn't want anyone to hear. I wanted to touch her; to hold her and tell her I'd never hurt her again.

"It had been falling apart for a while, really." She tucked her hair behind her ears again and hunched her shoulders up. She looked really small and vulnerable. "Neither one of knew how to fix it and we both hated it. But I don't get it, Jordan. Why would she be jealous of me?" she sobbed.

"Because you have all these things she doesn't, Angela," I whispered to her, wanting to hold her more than ever. "Things I don't really have either."

"Like what?"

"Like two parents who take care of you and love you. A home you're never afraid to go to. Innocence. Some faith that you're actually going to do something worthwhile with your life someday. People who love you and stand by you no matter what. People who look out for you and who tell you when you're making a mistake." I put my hand on her shoulder and let it lay there. Her head tilted towards it and I felt her hair brush my hand. "Your parents are really good people, you know? You're lucky."

"Not as lucky as you think. I think my dad's having an affair and I think Mom knows it," she whispered. _Great_, I thought, _hell of a time to betray her, Jordan_. _Hell of a time for Graff to betray her, too_.

"Shit happens. He's still around and he still loves you." I frowned, hating how harsh I sounded. "Did Graff know?"

"Yeah." I remembered that her dad was thinking about opening a restaurant and Angela thought her mom wasn't all that happy about it. I wondered if there was more to it than just a restaurant. She looked off through the windshield and I felt like pulling her closer. But I didn't. I didn't want her to push me away again.

She'd pushed me away the first two times I'd tried to kiss her and it was the weirdest thing ever. Seriously, like, no girl had _ever_ really pushed me away before; it totally surprised me. And I didn't get it then. I'm not sure if I get it now even, but I'm willing to try to understand. She's a lot less experienced than any girl I've ever been with and I'm not always sure she really understands what we're doing. But the way she looked at me kept telling me she wanted me and I got all confused when she'd push me away. It was just… weird. I let her, of course. I mean, I know I'm a jerk, but I'm not a monster. Seducing a girl is one thing, forcing her is something completely different. I keep thinking though, that maybe whatever it is that she needs from me, I can figure it out this time. Maybe I can be what she needs. Cause she's definitely what I need.

Her voice was really quiet when she spoke again. "Jordan? What did you mean about my having things that you and Rayanne don't? I mean, I know Rayanne's mom, so like I know it's like, not the best situation. But like… you… You never talk about your family. I don't know if you have any siblings or even if your parents are together."

I sighed. I'd tried to keep my home life away from her; never having her over to my house (though I couldn't really help it that one time she just showed up), never letting her meet my dad. And I never talked about my mom. I'd mentioned Angela to her, the last time she'd called, like two weeks ago. But all I really told her was that I was "kinda into this one girl" and had left it at that. I was still wary with her sometimes. I wasn't quite sure what to tell Angela about _her_ either so I decided to just give her the bare facts.

"I've got a younger half-sister somewhere in California. My mom left my dad when I was twelve. She kinda left right from the hospital and couldn't find a way to get me out too, or I wouldn't be here. My old man used to beat on her a lot; he broke her ribs once, a few bones in her wrist another time. The last time, he broke her nose. I think it was like, the last straw or something. I was just a kid and I couldn't really do anything so he knocked me around, too. Last time he tried to hit me, I was fourteen and I threw a chair at him. He's kinda too scared to do much of anything to me now." I didn't want to look at Angela when I told her, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on hers. She had this really scared, upset look and more tears were spilling down her face. "Ange, please don't cry about it. It was a long time ago and I'm okay. I spend more time out of the house than in it, especially when he's not at work. So yeah, I am kinda jealous of you for your parents, but I know no one is perfect."

"I'm sorry. Thank you for telling me." She took a deep breath and reached out to take my hand. "Listen, Jordan, I do forgive you. It does still hurt, but I want to at least be around you. I've missed you too much to just throw you out of my life. But the letter just made things a bit more complicated."

"What do you mean?"

She frowned and bit her lower lip. I squeezed her hand a little tighter to encourage her. "Brian used you just as much as you used him, in a different way and it's kinda, like, confused things even more for me."

"Angela, I don't understand. I mean, I know he's got a thing for you. It's kinda obvious, you know. A guy doesn't let a girl take advantage of him like you do unless he's got a reason. He let you borrow his bike to come see me. So, it's like when I let you drive my car? You seriously think that I would have let you if I didn't like, want you?" I frowned at how that sounded. "Wait, that didn't come out right." I thought for a minute, stroking the soft skin on the back of her hand. "How about this: _I'd_ let you take advantage of me like that, Angela. It's like, yeah, I do want you, like your body. It's not really something I can really help; I'm a guy. But I also want… I need- you. Like, who you are as like, a person. Not that I understood that when we were actually dating."

She laughed a little and sighed, looking sad. "You know, I'm not exactly good at being _just_ your friend either." Her voice was a whisper, soft and sexy.

"Oh? Really? You seemed pretty good at it to me." I tried to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but I knew I'd failed when she smiled sadly at me.

"Not at all," she whispered. "I've been kinda, like, obsessed with you for a really long time. If it weren't for Rayanne, I think I would have kept obsessing about you from afar. She tried to make things more real for me. Not that I really understood how to deal with that, obviously. And then when we were 'just friends', I still like, wanted you. I wanted to like, hold your hand, kiss you, touch you. I still want to. And I've always wanted like, more than that too. I'm just scared. And I'm terrified you're going to break my heart again."

"I'm seriously going to do my best not to." I leaned closer to her and held her hand tighter. "But you're kinda avoiding my question, Angela. And I'd like an honest answer. I never lied to you and I don't want to be lied to. You still haven't told me how the letter makes things more confused."

"Because, it makes Brian a safer choice for me." She started to cry again and it was killing me. Her words were killing me too. Brian? She could do that? She could- Of course she could. I'd done worse to her. She had history with him too, had known him since they were kids. There were things between them that I couldn't compete with and I knew it. She started kinda babbling and I knew she could tell I was upset.

"Not that he can't be just as much of a jerk as any other guy in his own weird way. He was the one who spread the rumor about us having sex earlier in the year. And he's the reason I know about you and Rayanne." Crap, that was _him_? Yeah, we were going to have a serious talk, Brain and me. In a way, it was part of what had brought Angela and me together, so I wasn't _too_ pissed. But I was definitely angry. _He called himself her friend and _still_ said something like that about her?_ The thing with Graff I could understand, kinda; he'd wanted to protect her, to show her what I was capable of doing. But I was just as angry at him about the things _he_ was capable of doing to Angela.

"Jordan, it's just that Brian is a safer choice now because his feelings for me are stronger than mine for him." She was still crying and her eyes had a desperate look, like she was scared and trying hard not to show it. "He can't hurt me because I don't care that much. Which is like, the total reverse of our situation! I can't hurt you because you don't care as much about me as I do about you."

I almost dropped her hand. I couldn't believe she'd just said that; I could barely breathe. "Fucking hell, Angela!" I nearly shouted at her. "Do you seriously think you can't hurt me? Didn't I just like, tell you how much fucking things up with you _did_ hurt me? How much I care about you? More than my fucking pride, that's for damn sure. I asked your neighbor to write a fucking love letter to you for me! A guy I knew was obsessed with you! A guy I had _thought_ could be better for you than me, though now I'm not so sure about that." I muttered the last bit under my breath, still angry at what I'd heard.

"You know, the first time he tutored me I made a deal with him that if he'd help me get better at the whole reading thing, I'd help him learn how to pick up girls. Anything to keep him away from you." I refused to blink as I stared into her eyes, willing her to really listen to me, like she used to. "God damn it, Angela! I have never, ever felt this way about anyone. I swear I'm more confused than you in this. I know I've messed up, I know I've hurt you, and I don't want to do it again. Please, give me another chance. I need you, Angela. You've totally changed my life, in all kinds of strange ways. And I promise that you don't feel more for me than I do for you."

"Jordan-" I didn't let her finish. And anyway, wasn't it kinda my thing to interrupt her with a kiss? I was through with keeping my distance from her. Like that first time I'd kissed her, I nearly threw my self onto her side of the car, covering most of her body with mine. And I kissed her.

God, her lips were just the same, soft and sweet. It was hell to just kiss her and not put my hands all over her. I put everything I had into that kiss; all the feelings that were crashing around inside me, all the want and need I felt for her, all the frustration and fear, all the passion, lust and love. And it was definitely love. But I didn't know how to say something like that so I just kept kissing her. She pushed me back a bit, but I wasn't as able to let her this time. Then I felt her kiss me back.

It was like fireworks and driving fast. I could taste the tears on her lips and licked them off. One of my hands was in her hair and the other supported us against the door; the feel of her body against me was like heaven. She was so small and fragile; even though she'd gotten about an inch taller since I first met her, she still barely reached my chin. I could feel her hands, so small, clutching my shirt. All I could concentrate on was the feel of her lips on mine, the slide of our tongues, the small noises she made as she gasped for air against my mouth. I leaned back against my own door and pulled her with me, her body sprawling out over mine. Her weight wasn't much but I felt it through my whole body. My hands moved from her hair to her back and I pressed her closer to me. As I pressed against the middle of her back, she arched against me a bit, a moaning sigh escaping her lips. I took advantage of how close her neck was, kissing and sucking lightly on it, nipping at her, but not enough to leave a mark.

She whispered my name and finally pulled back, shaking and panting. I wasn't doing much better. "Too much, too fast," she whispered, her voice a bit husky. I nodded and relaxed my grip on her, trying to calm down a bit. "I guess that answers the question of where we go from here," she sighed. "I can't resist you, Jordan. I don't want to. And… I need you, too," she whispered.

"So we're like, a couple or something?" I couldn't keep the grin off my face.

"I guess. Maybe. Do you want to be?" She had her shoulders scrunched up and had pulled her feet up on the seat in front of her, wrapping her arms around her knees. I pushed her hair from her face and she looked up at me. I knew she was scared and I wanted to do anything I could to stop that.

"I've never really been someone's like, boyfriend," I whispered to her, fingers still in her hair. It was satiny and cool as the strands slipped through my fingers.

"You were _my_ boyfriend not too long ago," she whispered, a sad half-smile on her face. "If that short a time even counts. I'm not sure if I'm really ready for you to be my boyfriend again. My head is all confused and my heart's a bit angry and I don't know how I'll be in a relationship. I do know that I'm a long way off from being ready for sex, even if I do kinda want to. I'm just warning you now; you might be dealing with some… frustration for a while. I'm sorry." I shook my head and nearly laughed. She was sorry? Hell, she'd forgiven me for one of the worst things I could ever do to her. If I wanted to be with her, I was going to have to go by her rules. She wanted to put off sex until she felt she was ready, then that's what we'd do. It was safe to say I wanted to be with her pretty badly.

"Well, first off, I'm not counting that time 'cause I sucked at being your boyfriend. Like really bad. I was a selfish asshole. I'm going to try to be better this time. And second… that's okay if you're not ready. So don't be sorry. There's nothing for you to be sorry for. Yeah, I seriously want you. But I also seriously want you to want me. You know what I'm saying?"

"Kinda."

"I don't want you to like, regret us being together. So like, you knowing what you want is like, important. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying to seduce you. No way, that's way too much fun." She raised an eyebrow at me. "It just means I'll try not to be so like, pushy or like, asshole-ish about it. It's taken me a while to understand this, babe."

"It seems like a simple concept to me." I winced at the sharpness in her tone.

"It is. But I'm also kinda new to the whole relationship thing. It's like this; I've never wanted to be with the same girl for long before, 'cause I was never like, emotionally involved, you know? But with you it's different. Because I like you. Like, a lot. As a girl and as a person and it's really weird for me. All this figuring you out and what you need from me or what you're thinking is pretty confusing. And I've never wanted to do it before, you know? It's like, I've been with all these girls but I've never like, gotten to know them. When a girl started getting like, demanding, I'd move on, no hard feelings, you know? And this is different from that. So we'll get to figure this kind of thing out together."

"Why not?" I looked at her confused for a second. "Why weren't you interested in getting to know any of the girls you've… slept with?" She blushed and her voice trailed off, real quiet.

"I'm not sure." And I really wasn't. Why didn't I want to know any of those girls I'd slept with? There hadn't been as many as most people said, but there had been enough that I was seeing a pattern. "I mean, they're all like, really different from you, but there has to be more to it than that." She looked at me curiously for a moment.

"Different how?"

I thought about it for a minute, thought really hard. All of a sudden, the difference was really clear. I knew why I cared about her, why I couldn't stop thinking about her, why I'd started to need her.

"Well, for one they were kinda like, slutty. I mean, I guess you could say I'm kinda slutty too, you know? And you? You're not." I shrugged. "For another, you like, care. About me."

"Like none of those girls ever cared about you-" I could hear the kinda angry tone in her voice, like she didn't believe me and I cut her off.

"But they didn't," I insisted. "Or if they did, I never knew. And it never mattered much to me 'cause I never knew the difference. I mean, all they really wanted from me was sex. And I was fine with that because it was what I wanted, too. Everything else kinda got in the way. But you-" Her eyes were so green; even in the low light I could see how pretty they were. "Like I said, you're not that kind of girl. And I kinda forgot about that. Angela, honestly, you're the reason I'm still in school. If you hadn't cared enough to say something to me, say anything to me, I'd have let them kick me out. And it's not the just school thing, either. You listen to me when I talk, like you really listen. And you don't ignore the things I care about, you care too. And you talk to me; I mean, really talk to me. Not just about what I'm into, either. You talk to me about all the things you care about and expect me to care too." I pulled closer to her and leaned my forehead against hers.

"So I do care. I care about your dad's restaurant idea and your mom's nagging. About your sister being a brat and the geometry homework being hard. And about how you're talking to your one friend again and that weird guy you hang out with seems to like her too and so he spends hours with you two in the girls' room. And I care about your weird neighbor, even if he is kind of an asshole. Angela, what I'm trying to say here is like, I care about _you_. There are all these things that make up parts of who you are and I want to know all of it." I held my breath, waiting for her to say something, do something. For all that I would deny it, I was opening my heart to her. She was worth that, worth the fear of that kind of rejection. And I wanted her to know that. I wanted to pull her even closer, though I wasn't sure that was possible right now.

But then something happened. And it wasn't something that I had expected.

I felt her breath, warm and moist on my mouth, and then felt her lips softly brush against mine. She was trembling, our skin barely touching; then she sucked in a deep breath and pushed her lips firmly to mine. She'd started kisses between us before, but this felt like something else. Something was happening here that I wasn't sure I understood but I was damn sure I wanted.

Her lips were like silk, soft and smooth against my skin; they moved against mine as she grabbed my shirt with her hands. I felt her knees unfold and part beneath me and I pulled myself between them, wanting to get as close to her as I could. She wrapped one of her legs around my waist, laying back on the seat as I settled on top of her and she opened her mouth to me. I held my weight on one arm as the other went to her side, pulling her hips tight against mine. This was the closest she had ever let me get and I was determined not to disappoint her; she was trusting me.

My right hand left her hip and moved to her face, her cheek warm and soft beneath my fingertips. I tried to be gentler than I'd ever been before. My fingers traced the shape of her cheek and slid softly down her neck. I let my thumb glide along her jaw as she sighed against me. She was… everything to me in that moment.

There was no way to say it in words, so I tried to tell her in other ways. I knew my heart was hammering and I thought I could feel hers too. Whispering her name against her lips, I trailed my right hand down her back, pulling her as close as I could. One of her hands was in my hair and the other had snaked its way under my jacket and had fisted itself in my shirt near my shoulder blade. She broke away to breathe and I kissed my way down her neck. Her neck had to be one of the sexiest things ever; I couldn't ever get enough of how soft her skin was, how she leaned into my hand or lips when I slid them along it. Her scarf kept me from going any further, which was probably a good thing. I made my way back up to her lips leaving open mouthed kisses along her jaw to her lips. She slipped her tongue into my mouth and I couldn't help but groan at the feel. When she arched against me a bit and ground her hips against mine, it was all I could do to keep my hands from straying into forbidden territory; even with her coat in the way, they itched to palm her breasts and ass. _Thin ice, Jordan_, I told myself, _thin fucking ice_. I wanted to touch all of her but I needed to keep controlled. I really wanted to justify her trust in me.

It hurt like hell, but after a few minutes, I pulled back a few inches. I wanted her, badly. And with her body pressed so close to mine, I knew she could feel it. We were both panting and I closed my eyes and kissed her one more time before breathing deep and speaking, a bit hoarsely.

"I should get you home."

She blinked at me for a moment and I thought she was disappointed. Then she smiled at me. It wasn't just a smile; she was beaming. I pulled away and sat back in the driver's seat, holding her hand. She stared at me the whole way back to her house, her fingers laced with mine and that beautiful smile plastered on her face.

And I knew I'd done the right thing.

* * *

After I'd dropped Angela off, and said good night to _both_ her parents (they'd been waiting at the door), I stared at the house across the street for a long time. I may not be as smart as Angela or Brian, but I'm not actually dumb either. And I knew that was how Brian saw me, dumb as a fucking brick. Playing dumb had gotten me pretty far a few times but I knew now that it wasn't something I could do forever. Being with Angela made me want to be smarter; I wanted to be able to talk to her about all the wonderful things that went on her in mind. To do that, I'd have to work pretty hard, but I was okay with that. I could work hard on my car and my music; I could do this too.

But before I could do that, before I could really start working for something like that, I'd have to come to an understanding with Brian. After this whole mess, I wasn't sure how to feel about the whole tutoring thing with him, if he was still even willing to tutor me. He might not be, considering that while he'd written the love letter, I'd still gotten the girl. And then there was the fact that he'd been the one to spread the rumors about us in school. Things were going to be different. Angela was important to me, even if I wasn't able to say how much. And it seemed that she was important to Brian, too, important enough for him to risk writing that letter. Important enough for him to risk exposing himself like that. But there would be a weird sort of tension in the tutoring sessions now and I wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it.

I knew I needed to talk to him and soon. He needed to be set straight on a few things. I didn't want him like, messing with Angela anymore. Enough was enough, you know?

It was sort of funny, you know, kind of ironic. Angela said she'd been really obsessed with me, that she'd watched me and wanted me before she'd met me. And I'm pretty sure I'm not who or what she was imagining I'd be. I'm not who or what I'd like to be. But she's still with me, even after I disappointed her in the worst way. I don't think it's because of some weird obsession. I think there's something more to us.

Brian really is obsessed with Angela; with who he thinks she is, who he thinks she should be. And while he's known her forever and _thinks_ he knows her really, really well, I don't think he really knows her as quite well as he thinks he does. I'm not sure I know her all that well either, but I want to. And I'm not going to try to get her to like, be who I think she is, because she deserves better than that.

* * *

A/N:

I do _not_ own Jordan Catalano. My husband would be quite un-happy with me if I did. Nor do I own Angela Chase. He might not be so displeased with that.

Yes, this is a bit jumbled. It's on purpose. I think that Jordan's head is a bit of a mess, not just because of some emotional trauma, but he's a bit of… His mind is all over the place. He's not dumb but he might be a bit ADD. Angela's POV will be much more… orderly.

One of the great things about writing this is where it takes place. Angela and the gang are supposed to live in a semi-distant suburb of Pittsburgh, PA. Which, it just so happens is where yours truly was born. Now, I lived there, just outside the city until I was three and then we started moving a lot. My move to Colorado was my 10th interstate move. However, one of those moves took me to Pittsburgh in the late 1990's. I attended Carlow College for the 98'-99' school year and lived with my grandmother in Edgewood. I passed the Pitt Campus every day on my way to school (as well as Carnegie Mellon) and lived within walking distance of the cemetery that _Night of the Living Dead_ was filmed in. Oh! And one night while my friends and I were very drunk we harassed the crew filming a Robert Downy Jr. film a block off Friendship. That's the closest I've gotten to meeting a celebrity. Yeah. We left before the cops came.

Anyway, all that really means is that I've got a little inside knowledge of what Pittsburgh was like for a young adult in the late 90's. I couldn't get into Lava Lounge (I was only 19 and was quite honest, no fake ID) and the Beehive was often off limits (it was a bar/coffee shop in the university district. Most nights it was 21 and over except for Rocky Horror night!) but I did find a lot of fun things to do. And not all of them included alcohol or weed… though quite a few of them did, seeing as it was 1998 and most of my friends were stoners. It was hard to be an angst ridden poet and _NOT_ be surrounded by potheads in those days. Well, at least it was for me.

A/N2:

I needed to fix a few things. Little ones, but they were, I think, important. Sorry for the over-post. I'm one of those people who want to post things like, asap, but then decides later that what I wrote sucks and I need to fix it.


	3. Chapter 3

A Mess of Things

Chapter 3

By Shaid

_April 22__nd__, 1997, the day after the test. _

_Angela POV_

It was amazing to me how fast life could change, even the big things. Especially the big things.

The biggest moments in our lives often went overlooked by the rest of the world. I knew that was just how the world worked; something altered your life completely, so completely that nothing would ever be the same and you felt like everyone knew, like it's so big and life altering everyone could see what had happened to you. But they can't. So while I was wandering around in an emotional hurricane, life went on around me as usual.

I was still reeling from yesterday, my mind nowhere near calm. Oddly enough, Jordan kept me anchored. Who would have thought that Jordan Catalano could be so... sweet and wonderful? I knew he was as shaken up about things as I was, but just the fact that he was there, that he was standing by me, made me feel a whole lot more stable. Rayanne had been smiling all day, glancing at me slyly. I had wanted to smack her upside the head before she clued everyone in.

My relationship with Rayanne had changed over the years. We fought, a lot actually; "Drama" might as well have been Rayanne's middle name. I couldn't even count how many times we'd stopped talking to each other. But we've also always been there for each other, like sisters, even if she is a/the sister I don't always like. I loved her, crazy as she was, almost as much as I loved Danielle. She'd gone back into therapy soon after the whole mess in sophomore year and things had slowly gotten better after that. Rayanne was happier, a bit saner and _sober_.

The trip to Rayanne's apartment had been only slightly strained. Jordan didn't like giving her a ride anywhere, but he was fine with Ricky in the car. He kept the music up loud and Ricky talked enough to cover any awkward silences. Before following the two of them up the stairs, I kissed Jordan and promised to call later. He held me a little closer than usual, his arms tight around my waist. "Love you," he whispered against my hair.

"Love you, too," I whispered back.

For a little while we just hung out; Rayanne told us about what she and Tino did last weekend at the Lava Lounge and Ricky talked about the weird indie film he'd gone to with Delia. Both of them were insisting that Jordan and I needed to be at the next Rocky Horror night at the Beehive. We'd been a couple times last year but Rayanne was on the cast now (as Magenta, of course) and felt I'd make a wonderful Janet and that Jordan would be great as Rocky.

"With you as Janet, Ricky as Frank, Jordan as Rocky and me as Magenta, the theater would be packed! We'd be a sure hit!" she giggled.

"I'd rather be Brad," Ricky complained. "But without the dorky clothes."

"You know Jordan isn't interested in this at all, right?" I pointed out. "He'll take us there and back, even hang out in the audience if I'm there with him, but he'd never get up there and act. Plus, if I'm Janet, don't I have to be like, almost naked?" She rolled her eyes at me like it was no big deal. To her, maybe it wasn't.

"He's a _performer_, Angela. He gets up in front of hundreds of people and sings on a regular basis. Like, for money. This wouldn't be much different," she persisted. I shook my head and she snorted at me. "Whatever. So, Angelika, are you going to tell Ricky your big news or should I?" I sat back on the couch and shrugged, nervous again. Rayanne sat next to me, one arm wrapped around my shoulders.

Ricky perked up. "You have big news?" He sat on the floor facing us, a curious look on his face.

"Oh, yes! Our Angela has very big news!" Rayanne smirked and gave me that sly look again, but I could see she was excited behind it. "Big, huge, earth shattering, Jordan Catalano news." She paused for effect. "Angela had me buy her something the other day."

Ricky just laughed. "She's been seeing him for like, two years now. Seriously, it's not like they haven't had sex, you know?" He made a face and I winced in sympathy. Ricky knew first hand that Jordan and I were sexually active; he'd accidentally walked in on us once in the most awkward surprise visit ever. "And he told her he loved her, like, a year an a half ago. What's left? What did you buy her that was so earth shattering?"

"You see, Ricky darling, Angela asked me to buy her-" But I covered her mouth and interrupted her. I couldn't let her be the one who told.

"She bought me a pregnancy test," I whispered. Ricky's eyes went huge and I could see Rayanne practically bouncing.

"Oh, my God!" he breathed. "Oh, my God!" He blinked at me then got this really worried expression on his face. "This is like, so not what I expected! I mean, seriously, you're _so_ not the girl anyone would expect something like this from. Are you- I mean, are you really, like, _pregnant_?" He whispered the last word.

I turned like, fifteen shades of red and nodded. "Yeah. I am."

"Oh my god!" Ricky got up and started pacing, biting his nails. "So like, does he know? What did he say?"

"I told him last night, after I took the test." I shrugged and burrowed deeper into the couch. I wanted to hide my face but Rayanne wouldn't let go of me. Despite what she and Jordan had done, perhaps because of it actually, she always judged him a bit more harshly than she would other guys. And she looked like she was ready to hurt him if he'd done the wrong thing in this case

"And?" This time it was Rayanne who asked. "How did he react?"

"For a few minutes, completely blank."

"Seriously?" Ricky laughed.

"Seriously." I rolled my eyes. "You guys know that blank stare of his that drives me crazy? The whole 'nobody's home' look? For five minutes, I swear, he just stared at me like that."

"Fucking typical," Rayanne snorted. I looked over at her a bit sadly. I loved them both but the two of them would never be friends and though neither ever said anything overtly negative about each other, the threat of it was always there.

"So," I continued, "I was starting to panic when he seems to wake up and says, 'wow'."

"'Wow'?" Ricky looked from Rayanne to me and back. "That's it? That's all he said? 'Wow'?"

"Yeah, well, you guys know how _verbose_ he is," I said dryly. Rayanne snickered. "Well, then I asked him if he was mad…"

Rayanne rolled her eyes and glared at me. "Why did you ask him if he was mad? It's not like you forced him to fuck you." I bit my lip and shrugged, completely unable to voice my weird insecurity about this. "Seriously, we wouldn't be _having_ this conversation if it weren't for him. He _knocked you up_, Angela."

"She's right, Ange. But I can see why you'd be worried. I mean, it's a big deal. And really, lots of guys wouldn't stick around after hearing something like this." Ricky sat down next to me and grabbed one of my hands. "But he didn't seem mad in the car when he dropped us off here so I'm guessing..." he trailed off.

"No, he wasn't mad," I whispered. Ricky smiled at me. "He said that he was scared; really, _really_ scared but that he was also… excited. And kinda happy."

"Happy?" Rayanne raised an eyebrow and laughed. "Well, I guess it is kinda like, physical proof he's like all manly and shit. Nothing like making a baby to prove you've got balls."

"Rayanne!" Ricky protested. "He was like, being sweet! You know he loves her."

Rayanne was about to yell at him but I held up a hand between them. "Guys, I'm just glad he's not going to leave me over this." Putting my hand down, I looked at both of them and then down at my lap. "He said that we'd get through this together and I really hope he means it."

At that point, they both threw their arms around me and hugged me tight. Of course, they both started talking at once then, but neither one had anything negative to say and they were so supportive and happy for me, telling me what a great mom I'd be and how cute our baby would be. Rayanne was talking about kids books she'd read in daycare and Ricky started in about being "Auntie" Ricky. They were positively glowing.

And for the first time since I'd suspected I was carrying Jordan's baby, I felt myself get a little… excited. Then I was completely overcome.

When tears started streaming down my face, they wiped them away and held me tighter. They only let me cry for a few minutes before they started in on the questioning again. But it was okay; I was starting to feel a bit better. This was, without a doubt, the most terrifying thing I'd ever faced and while I _knew_ that Jordan would be right there with me through it all, part of me was still scared I'd have to do this alone. So far, all I'd been able to focus on was the negative side of this. How do I tell him? How do I tell my parents? How the hell we are going to _deal _with this? But I think Jordan was seeing something more. Several times today, when no one was looking, he had gently put his hand on my stomach, right over where our baby was. Twice I'd caught a look on his face like none I'd ever seen before. I could recognize love there, but there was something else…

"So, like, how far along do you think you are? I know it's like still really early but you've got some sort of idea right?" Ricky asked, interrupting my daze. We were all still wrapped up in our three-way-hug, my head on Ricky's shoulder and Rayanne's hand over my stomach.

I blushed, something I really couldn't help, and frowned at the question. "Well, I missed my period for the second time about two weeks ago now. Today's April twenty-second so that would put it at…" I did a few mental calculations. "Sometime in February or March, I think?"

"Valentine's Day. Being conceived on Valentine's day has to be even more special than being born on it," he sighed, smiling. I rolled my eyes and couldn't help but laugh. I had so known that Ricky would see romance in this somehow. He was a true romantic and he loved telling me what he thought Jordan felt about me based on his actions. Occasionally, I thought he might be right.

I shook my head, though, not convinced. "Not quite. I didn't miss the one _after_ Valentine's Day. So it's more like, I dunno, the beginning of March?" I frowned again.

"Hey, isn't Jordan's birthday in the beginning of March?" he asked.

"March second," I said automatically and Rayanne started to laugh.

"Well, that's special too," Ricky insisted. "It's like, daddy's ultimate birthday present."

"I guess it was _quite_ a happy birthday for him," Rayanne quipped. I groaned and blushed. We _had_ spent most of the evening before in his bed.

"So. How's he been today," Rayanne asked.

"He's been… touching me a lot. Holding me more and rubbing his hand over-" Instinctively, I brushed my hand over my stomach. It still wasn't quite real yet and I knew that before the summer was over, there would be tangible proof of how _real _this was. I thought again of the look on Jordan's face when he'd touched me today; all the love and tenderness so evident in his face. His face could be so blank sometimes, so devoid of anything. But then there were moments when his face was so full of emotion it hurt to look at him.

Ricky looked at me daydreaming and smiled. "Can I?" he asked. I nodded and moved my hand to make room for his. The feeling was weird, but it was something I was going to have to get used to. Everyone wanted to touch baby bumps and my friends were no exceptions. Ricky's smile grew wider and he giggled a bit. "Wow!" he whispered, his smile huge, "Angela, this is incredible. There's like, a little bitty person in there. A tiny little Jordan Jr!"

And when he said that it hit me, hit me really hard and I couldn't breathe.

I was pregnant.

I was seventeen, still in high school and _pregnant_.

Inside me, there was a _life_ growing, a person that Jordan and I had created and would have to care for.

Shit, had all the oxygen just been sucked from the room or something?

Rayanne was calling my name loudly and Ricky moved his hand to shake my arm. As I heard the front door open, I felt my heart stutter and the room went black.

* * *

When I came to, Ricky was looming over me looking scared out of his mind. Rayanne was wringing her hands but looked a bit less panicked. And Amber had a cold washcloth in her hand that she was stroking my face with.

"There we are, baby," she soothed. I saw her glare at her daughter and Ricky over my head. "I told you guys she'd be okay." She looked down at me again and smiled. "Ricky's a little over-anxious about you fainting, Sweetie. I told them that you were fine; pregnant women sometimes faint." I think some of my panic showed on my face when Amber rolled her eyes. "Not you, too! Angela, it's okay. First off, yes, I know all about the baby. Rayanne told me after you girls got off the phone last night. I promise I won't tell your mother. But you're going to need to tell her soon. Second, your blood pressure can get a little weird when you're expecting so the fainting thing isn't weird." I nodded and sat up slowly.

"Thanks, Amber," I said.

"Here, doll, have a glass of water." She handed me a glass that had been sitting on the table and sat next to me. Ricky sat back down too and Rayanne leaned against the couch. "Have you talked to a doctor yet?"

I cringed. "No. I'm not exactly sure what to do. I mean, I'm still seeing the same doctor I went to as a little kid and I know she'll tell mom when I do. She like, has to right?"

"No, legally, she can't tell your parents. She'll _encourage_ you to tell Patty, I'm sure but I know you'll be doing that eventually. And really, you're going to need to see her soon, you know? To make sure everything is going right in there." I took a sip of the water and nodded. "Rayanne told me it's Jordan's." I just nodded again. "Have you told him yet?"

"Actually, I told him before I told Rayanne," I said softly. "I thought, you know, he had a right to know first."

"Good! Good girl!" She really did seem proud of me, too. I guess it _was_ something to be proud of, telling him even as terrified as I was. "And since the other two stooges over there aren't growling at the mention of his name, I'm guessing he took it pretty well?"

"Yeah. He said he's scared but… excited. Happy even," I whispered. I blushed, remembering how he'd held my hand as he'd talked about being happy, then had pulled me into his lap. "I thought happy was kinda odd; I mean, he _is_ a little older and a few of his friends do have kids but we're both still pretty young. The more I think about it, though, the more I think I understand."

"That boy loves you very much, Angela," Amber whispered. "And I think he'll do whatever he can to keep you and this baby."

"I hope so," I whispered, frowning. I was plagued by doubts. In my mind, only older women had babies, women finished with college and married; women who were established in their lives. I was none of those things, but here I was, contemplating motherhood. We weren't ready for this. _I_ wasn't ready for this! "It's just not something I'd ever thought would happen to me. I was always so careful."

"Angela, we know you've been careful." Rayanne rolled her eyes and heaved a sigh. "You're like, the queen of careful. But there are times that a condom just doesn't cut it. And it only takes one tiny little hole. And then boom: baby." Ricky pushed her and I laughed a bit.

"It's kinda sweet, though," he said then, leaning back on the couch. "I mean, him being scared and happy. Yeah, the timing is like, terrible and I can't imagine what he's thinking. But if he's even a little excited he's got to have thought about the fact that you're carrying his child. It's even a little romantic."

"Ricky," I groaned. "I _told_ Jordan you'd be this way! And I'll say this to you as many times as you need to hear it: an unplanned teenage pregnancy is _not_ romantic. It's scary and terrifying and panic inducing and anything but romantic."

"Well, yeah." He snorted at me. "We can see the panicked and terrified part sitting on the couch right here. And I can totally understand _why_ you're all panicked; telling Patty and Graham? Not going to be fun. And then the whole college and work thing with a baby? That's going to be a bit of a nightmare." Ricky put his arm around me then and gave me a tight hug. "But what _is_ romantic is the fact that he's happy it's _you_. Angela, you know he loves you; he tells you all the time. Besides, it's like really obvious to anyone who sees the two of you together. And if he's happy or excited about this it's because _you_ are having his baby."

I thought about that for a moment. Most of me was too scared to really think too hard about it, but the part of me that wasn't scared was really glad that I was having Jordan's baby. And, okay, yes, there was a little tiny part of me that was all girly happy about being pregnant. But it wasn't just that I was having a baby; the weird, crazy happiness was because it was something that was equal parts me and Jordan. Was that what his happiness in this stemmed from? From knowing that _I_ was the mother of his child? I sighed. There was just so much to think about! Amber tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead.

"I have to agree with Ricky on this one," she said. "The two of you are in for quite a ride and it's not going to be easy, but the fact that he's even a little excited means a lot. You'll be okay, Sweetie. It'll all work out." She stood up and walked into the kitchen. "I'm making myself a drink, girls. You want another glass of water, Angela?" I shook my head. Ricky stood as well and went to grab the phone. Rayanne slid into his vacated spot.

"We should go soon, Ange. I'll call Katimski. Would you like me to have him drop you off at Jordan's garage? I'm sure he wouldn't mind." I shrugged. "Well, decide so you can call your mom. We don't want her to get upset with you before you even tell her anything."

Rayanne pulled my head down into her lap and started finger-combing my hair. I just sighed and let her. "Well, you have lots of flowy clothes so I don't think you need to worry too much about changing your wardrobe. It wouldn't hurt to wear a few of Jordan's shirts now and then, though. That shit's sexy. We graduate at the end of May so you should only be like three months along by then and you wouldn't be showing enough for anyone to notice anyway."

"How've I been doing with hiding it so far?" I asked.

"Pretty good, actually," she said. "I mean, I know you, so I knew something was off a while ago, but not as far back as you might think. It's only been for the last two weeks or so. And it's been more that you've been acting weird, not that you look any different. You're really skinny, chica; but from what I've heard, you won't start to show for a bit yet. Of course, when you do start showing, it'll be like, seriously noticeable 'cause you're so little. I highly doubt anyone else even suspects yet."

"You're not just saying that?"

"No. I promise, no one knows but us, Angelika. Sharon suspects _something_, though. She asked me if you were okay the other day, before I knew anything."

"What did you tell her?"

"That I knew something was up but I wasn't sure what it was and she agreed."

I sighed. "I'll tell her soon. It's been like, so scary and awkward every time I've told someone and so far I've really only told three people. The thing is I totally want her to know about all of it. But I don't want to have to _tell_ more people about it. It's just so… awkward. I'm kinda embarrassed about it, you know? I'm not some stupid girl who just didn't use a condom, but I'm worried that's what everyone is going to think. Or worse, that I did this on purpose! God, and I seriously _don't_ want to have to tell my parents! He told me that he'd told his mom last night. And Shane." I groaned and covered my face. "How many more people do we have to tell, seriously?"

Amber poked her head in the room. "He told his mother?"

I sat up and nodded. "Yeah."

"And?" Amber prompted.

I blushed again. Jordan's relationships with his parents were odd at best and I wasn't sure how much I could really share. As much as he told me he loved me, he still kept his parents well away from me. I'd met his father once for five minutes and still hadn't met his mother. He said it was to protect me, but I wasn't always so sure. I decided though that telling Amber a little of what Debbie had said wouldn't be a big deal. "Well, she yelled at him a bit, told him that thirty-nine was way too young to be a grandmother but then told him that we have her support."

"Support is good. You hear that, Ray? Jordan's mom is actually younger than me! But believe me, you come to me with news like that and you'll get worse, I promise," she said, shaking a bright red fingernail at her daughter. "I do not want grandbabies yet. Bad enough I'm a great-aunt already to Angela's little one. No offense, Sweetie." I couldn't help but flush and hide my face again.

Rayanne rolled her eyes as I did. "Geez, Ma! I know! Trust me, nothing in there but my IUD." She patted her abdomen contentedly. "I seriously _don't_ want kids! Maybe not ever, but definitely not _now_." Ricky shoved her but she stuck her tongue out at him. I heard her laugh as she fell against my side. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be taking this as well as Angelika here if it happened to me."

"You think I'm taking this well?" I stared at her incredulously.

"Well, yeah," she insisted, laughing. "Okay, so you're like, freaked out beyond belief. We completely understand that. But Sweetie, you know you've got me and Ricky, and Sharon, and Jordan. And you know that at some point your folks will be okay with this too; they love you too much to not accept this. Hell, Catalano's _actually excited_ about this!" She shook her head and laughed. "How bizarre is that? Jordan Catalano actually _wants_ to be a daddy."

"Rayanne, I cried myself to sleep after telling him!" I nearly shouted. "I'm barely eating and I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I don't see any of those as signs of taking it 'well', to be honest!"

"Angela," she deadpanned. "Do you want to know what I would have done? Seriously? As soon as I suspected?"

"What?" I wasn't sure I wanted the answer.

"I would have headed to a Planned Parenthood clinic and gotten rid of it. Then I would have gone and gotten as plastered as I could. Don't know that I'd have even told the father, if I knew who he was." Rayanne looked at me sadly. "But you, Angela? _This_ is what _you_ do. You freak out and you cry and you get all scared and angry. And then you calm down and get things done. And it's right. Because it's _you_."

I saw Ricky nodding and he sat down beside me again. He spoke really softly. "Angela, you might be scared, but I think you're doing what's right for you. You're making the only decision you and Jordan can live with. It would tear both of you apart to get rid of this baby, before or after it's born. You'll be able to handle this, honey." Ricky put one arm around me and squeezed, phone still in his other hand. He hadn't called Katimski yet. I think he felt I should really go talk to Jordan at his work tonight. I still wasn't so sure, though.

"You guys think I'm making the right choice?" I could hear my voice shake and I knew they could too. "In wanting to keep it?"

Ricky looked at me apologetically and shrugged. "Honestly, Angela? I can't see you doing anything else. Especially with Jordan… feeling the way he does. The fact that he wants this baby- it's really amazing, you know? Maybe you two will make it, maybe you won't, but you're doing what you think is right. Sometimes, that's all you can do." He handed me the phone. "Call Jordan; tell him you're coming over to see him at work. You guys need to talk. Then call your mom and tell her where you'll be."

I looked at the phone for a moment, no less scared than I'd been all night. Then I took a deep breath and dialed.

* * *

We pulled up to the garage/gas station where Jordan worked and I could see him standing behind the counter. It wasn't quite dusk yet and bright light spilled from the station; I was sure he could see me in the back seat of the car.

"Well, Angela, here we are. Are you sure you don't want me to drop you off at home? I don't mind." Katimski looked at me a bit worriedly. I'd been quiet the whole ride and I'm pretty sure he knew something was off about me. Ricky grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"I'm fine," I assured him. "Jordan's let me hang out in the back office and do homework while he's working a few times. It's no big deal, really. Even if his boss is here, it's fine. Jake knows me."

"Your mother is aware you're going to be here?" he asked, for the tenth time.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Mr. Katimski."

"Mr. Katimski, I talked to Patty myself," Ricky insisted. "She knows where Angela is. It's fine, really."

"Okay, okay!" Katimski laughed. "Have fun, Angela. And tell Jordan I said hello."

"I will. Thank you." I kissed Ricky on the cheek, grabbed my backpack and slid over to the driver's side door. "Good night, guys! See you tomorrow!" I called as I left the car. Ricky waved to me and blew a kiss. I turned one more time as I opened the door to the store and waved.

Jordan grinned at me as I walked in and I couldn't help but grin back. He opened the gate and let me behind the counter with him. Before I could speak, he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the breath out of me. When he was finished, I rolled my eyes at him, grinning. He just brushed my cheek with his fingers and smiled.

"Hi," he whispered, sounding very pleased.

"Hi, yourself," I said. "Are we alone or is Jake here tonight?"

"Jake's closing tonight. He told me I could leave a bit early after you called. I told him I could stay as late as he needed me but he said to get you home. Anyway, he's back in the office doing some paper work right now." He pulled the stool he usually sat on over and nudged me towards it. "Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I don't get to leave for another hour."

I dropped my bag next to the stool and hopped up onto it; the seat was almost level with the counter and there was nothing to really lean against. It wasn't the most comfortable position in the world, but I'd make due. A customer walked in as I was adjusting my perch and I watched as Jordan interacted with him. The guy bought some gas and a pop, then left. Jordan barely had to talk to him. I poked him with the toe of my sneaker to get his attention.

"Any weirdos tonight?" I asked.

"Nah, just you, babe." He laughed when I kicked him. "Honestly, it's been pretty boring tonight. And you're all I've been able to think about, anyway."

"Yeah?"

"Totally. You've been on my mind all day, really." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, a sure sign he was stressed. "Christ, Angela, this day has been just unreal. Are you okay?" I nodded and he stepped closer to me. The collar on his shirt was frayed and I tugged on it. He came closer and nuzzled my cheek. "You look like you've been crying, Babe."

"I was, earlier. I've been a bit stressed today, you know? So yeah, I had a good cry over at Rayanne's. But I'm okay now," I reassured him.

"Just stressed? No pain or anything like that?"

"No, just the pain in my head from all the stupid crying," I sighed. He laughed and kissed my cheek.

"I keep thinking of all the ways this could go horribly wrong," he whispered.

"Like with Beth?" He shrugged but I knew he'd thought about it. Jordan couldn't hide much from me, even when he wanted to. "Jordan, please don't torture your self like that. I'm healthy and I'm sure the baby is fine. I'll make an appointment to see a doctor next week and we can get everything all checked out. You can come with me, alright?"

"Angela, it's not just that." He ran his hands through my hair then rubbed my neck. "Though coming with you to make sure things are going okay _would_ help me feel a bit better."

"Okay," I said. "So what else is bothering you?"

"Honestly?" he asked. I nodded. "My two biggest worries right now are the fact that you're so obviously scared of the whole thing and… the fact that your parents could have me arrested." I hadn't really thought much about all the issues our age difference could cause, it was only two years, but I knew he worried about it from time to time. Since we'd gotten back together he'd tried very hard to be aware of my feelings and to make sure he communicated his. It was strange because it had changed our relationship in subtle but important ways. I was fully aware of how serious he was about me.

I sat and chewed on my lip for a moment before I spoke. "Actually, Babe, those are both things I had kinda wanted to talk to you about tonight." I leaned back on the stool a bit and looked him straight in the eyes. "So, yes, I'm scared. I'm terrified. But you said you're scared too, that you've never been this scared ever before."

"I haven't," he said. "Nothing has ever had me really shaking inside like this before. But I also know for sure that-" He ran a hand through his hair again and made a frustrated noise. "Look, we haven't had a chance to really talk yet about what we want to do here. So I know what _I_ want, but I don't know what _you_ want. And I'm worried that it's not the same thing. Because if you decide differently, there's really nothing I can do, you know?" He shrugged and put his hands in his pockets. "It's your body, Babe."

_The moment of truth_, I thought. And I couldn't help myself; I twisted my hands together, tangling them like ropes. Jordan was staring at me but I couldn't bring my eyes up to meet his. "I want to keep it," I whispered. "If you feel you can't stand by me for this, it'll hurt like hell, but… I can't _not_ keep it. I _want_ this baby, Jordan. It'll be hard and scary and it might be a terrible idea, but I can't live with the idea of doing anything else."

"Neither can I." His voice was a whisper but it seemed so loud to me. When I looked up, he was smiling and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Okay." I could feel my body starting to relax, some of the tension of the last few days draining out. And a good bit of the fear dissipated. "Okay." I smiled and nodded and I knew he could tell that some of my fear had left.

"So we're… I mean…" He seemed to be tripping over his words. "We're doing this?" I just grinned and nodded. He let out a breathless laugh and leaned back against the cigarette cabinet, eyes focused somewhere far off. "Wow." I had to laugh. He looked back over at me and I felt like I'd get lost in how blue his eyes were. "So, you're good? I mean, you feel better about it, right? 'Cause you don't look quite so freaked out anymore."

"Yeah, a lot actually. I was really scared that you maybe wouldn't want to do this, that I'd be alone in it. We're not ready for this at all, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to be involved in any of this. You've been so... positive when I'm feeling so... scared. I couldn't bear the thought of getting rid of it, but I-" My voice trembled and I had to take a deep breath. "I wasn't sure I'd be able to raise our baby alone."

"You won't have to," he promised. "We started this together and I'll be right with you through all of it." He reached across the small aisle to grab my hand. "You always seem to pull me into things that are like, way different and bigger than anything I've ever dealt with before. It's not bad. Keeps me on my toes, you know? And... I'm really not the same guy I was when we met. I'm better. Because of you." The sincerity in his eyes made my heart feel like bursting. God, I loved this man.

"I keep _you_ on _your_ toes?" I laughed. "I'm so scared and you've been so freaking stable." He shook his head. "I know, you're scared too. But you're being the strong one here and I'm really grateful. God, Jordan, this is _all new_ territory for both of us. So, you know, I could kinda say the same of you." I pulled him closer and he leaned against me. The feel of his warm breath against my cheek made me shiver just a bit.

"I know. I'm sorry?"

"No you're not!" I laughed, pushing him. He made a show of being hurt, staggering back from me. "Okay. You can stop being a dork now."

"Okay." He leaned forward on the counter next to me and grinned. I played with his hair a little bit, brushing the silky strands back from his forehead. He'd cut his hair a few times since we'd started dating, but I liked this length best on him. It wasn't quite as long as mine and the small curtain it made when he bent down to kiss me made me feel like the world around us had disappeared.

"I love you," I whispered. He looked up at me and I saw that same odd mix of love, tenderness and something _more_ in his face. I brushed the back of my hand against his cheek and he turned to kiss it, the feel of his lips against my skin turning my stomach to jelly. He straightened and wrapped his arms around me, feathering kisses over my face.

"I love you, Angela. You have no idea how important you are to me, babe." I reveled in the feel of his arms around me for a few more minutes before he sighed and looked back down at me again. "So…"

"So?" I asked.

"Mama Rosa's should still be open in half an hour; you wanna grab a pie with me?"

I nodded, suddenly realizing how hungry I really was. I hadn't eaten since lunch and now I felt like I could eat an entire pizza by myself. "Can we talk about that other thing then?"

"Yeah." He sounded a bit reluctant.

"Baby, we have to talk about this at some point so we can figure out what to do."

"I know, but- Later?" he pleaded.

I sighed. "Fine. But we have to figure out what to tell my folks, too." He nodded and rested his chin on the top of my head. I laid a kiss on his chest and closed my eyes.

* * *

A/N: I've agonized over this chapter for months and re-written it several times. She was too calm about it. She was too freaked out. Ricky was off. Rayanne was off. Jordan was off. Katimski was too involved. Amber was too involved.

I THINK I have it now.

Read and review, lovelies! I love hearing what you think.

And a special shout out and thank you to luvjordan, who has been invaluable in this. You rock. Were I into girls and not married already, I'd propose. You are a fountain of knowledge and aide. Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU!!!


	4. Chapter 4

A Mess of Things

Chapter 4: Consequences and Consciences.

By Shaid

_February, 1995_

Brian POV

She was selfish and terrible and I wanted to hate her. But it was hard. I'd been making excuses for her for so long now that with the truth right in front of me, I didn't want to look at it. I wasn't ever what she'd wanted and I knew that. But she was still selfish and cruel.

So I just watched as she got into Jordan Catalano's car and let him drive her away. She looked out the window as he did, but I couldn't tell if she was looking at me, or just avoiding looking at him. She knew the truth now, regardless of what I'd said and it was up to her to make some kind of decision about it. Whatever it was, I'd have to accept it. It was the rational thing to do.

Of course, it was a lot easier to be angry with her (and a lot harder to be rational about it) when he brought her home two hours later. It was easier still when I could see them tangled together in the front seat. I was angry and jealous and not feeling very forgiving at the moment. Whatever lie he'd told her about the letter, she obviously believed it. So I continued to watch as they both got out of the car and he walked her to the front door. They kissed again before Angela opened the door and I wondered why I was torturing myself like this. They were back lit for a moment and I could see that he was looking at her. Then she turned into the light; there was a smile on her face as she looked into the house. Stepping back, she looked at him again and waved. He nodded back and turned to go.

He didn't leave right away, however and I wondered if they were planning some sort of tryst now, if at any moment I'd see her sneaking out of the bushes in back and climb into his car. Then they'd go to some parking lot or something and have sex in the same backseat where he'd betrayed her. But she didn't. And Jordan just sat there staring at my house for a good five minutes. Did he know I was watching them? Part of me hoped he did. I hoped he knew I was watching and knew that I'd tell her that he'd lied. Then he drove away and I was watching an empty street.

I went to bed then but didn't sleep much. I wanted to know what each of them had said. I wanted to know what he'd said to her to get her to go back to him when I knew she'd been so close to actually kissing me in the street just before he called out to her. It had been an exhilarating, terrifying feeling but it had all come crashing down with just the sound of his voice. For hours I lay there thinking about what could have been. What little sleep I did get was filled with frantic dreams of chasing Angela as she ran from me laughing.

The next morning, I sulked around the house. I did some homework, read a bit and cleaned my room. But mostly I watched the Chases' house, waiting for a chance to talk to Angela. She never left the house. By three that afternoon, I'd almost worked up the courage to go over and just ask her what the hell was going on. But as I got to my door, that damned red convertible pulled up again and I lost my nerve.

He didn't go right to Angela's, though. I'd turned away from the door when I'd seen his car and had started walking up the stairs when a knock sounded. I knew it was Jordan and I didn't want to see him, but my parents were home so I kinda had to answer.

I wasn't quite sure what I'd expected to see when I opened the door, but the scowl Jordan fixed on me definitely wasn't it. "Oh, it's you." I frowned back at him. It didn't have quite the same effect.

"We need to talk." His voice was hard, which surprised me. Wasn't I the injured party here?

"Whatever," I said. "Shouldn't you be like, across the street reaping the benefits of whatever stupid lie you told Angela?" He wasn't much bigger than me, but he was older and I knew he'd been in more fights than I had. I may have been able to win a fist fight against Martin Freid in first grade, but Jordan could probably knock me into next week. I was walking a fine line, but at the moment, I didn't really care.

"I don't lie." He glared at me and stepped into the house, edging around me. "I told her the truth. I said I was sorry for the thing with Graff and for making her think I'd wrote the letter. She accepted my apology." I closed the door and he shoved his hands in his pockets, looking at me with a frown. "But that's not what you and I need to talk about."

"She just accepted your apology? Just like that? I find that hard to believe. You nailed her best friend." I flinched internally at the vulgar wording but I was pretty pissed off at this point. I saw him flinch too and I hoped it stung. "You lied to her about writing a love letter. What you did-"

"Was completely unforgivable," he interrupted. "I know. But for some reason, she forgave me. She chose-"

"To get her heart stomped on?" I interrupted.

He glared at me. "Listen, man, I'm being nice here. What happens between Angela and me is between _Angela and me_. But I'm telling you what's up because she sure as hell won't. You don't need to be a dick about it."

"Of course she'd tell me what's going on! Why wouldn't she tell me? We've been friends since like, forever; I've lived here most of my life. If there was something I needed to know I'm sure she'd say something to me." I glared at him.

"Would she?" I blinked at him. "Or would she like, avoid you because this shit's all awkward now?" He was right. And he knew her about as well as I did. Yeah, she'd avoid me like the plague until she could come up with something to say to me. Crap! I just looked at him and didn't say a word. "She made a choice, man. Deal with it."

"Was she thinking with her hormones or her head?" I taunted, knowing I was playing with fire and not really caring. "Because the only reason I can see her going back to you is so she'll get laid. Oh, _and _you've got a car _and_ play in a band. Very impressive. You _obviously_ have a so much to offer. I never knew she had such a one track mind."

Quicker than I'd thought he could, he took a few steps closer to me, fists clenched. "Don't fucking _say_ shit like that about her," he snapped, eyes narrowed. It was obvious he was angry, but he didn't really look dangerous. I tried not to react, but I hadn't been expecting a response like that. Still, I took a step back, and looked away from him.

"She wasn't like this before," I insisted. "Being with you and Graff and Ricky has like, changed her. Ricky's like, fine, but he still like, encourages her to like, act out or something. It's like she's somebody else now. She doesn't even look the same! Did you know she's actually a blonde? And you probably didn't even notice her until she dyed her hair."

He looked confused for a moment. "Why would her hair color make any difference?" he asked, then shook his head. "Whatever. Maybe she is different. Maybe she's _not_ the same girl she was before, but then maybe you didn't know her as well as you thought you did." I looked back over at him, startled. _He's not stupid_, I reminded myself angrily. _And he reads people about ten times as well as I do__._ "People fucking grow up and change all the time. She's not allowed to?" He kicked the floor and glared at me again. "She's going to keep changing, Brian. You can't stop it. I don't know why you'd want to. Anyway, that's not why I'm here."

"Oh? So why _are_ you here? To gloat?" I sneered at him. "Great. You've slept with both Angela _and_ Rayanne then got Angela to forgive you for the insignificant _faux pas_ of banging her friend. Wonderful. Now that you've completely _shredded_ her reputation-"

"I've never slept with Angela." His voice had a really hard edge and I was beginning to worry he might actually take a swing at me. "Not that it's, like, any of your business. And _I'm_ not the one who 'shredded' her reputation, anyway. _You _got the whole school thinking I did her months ago."

"What do you mean, me? You're the one who-"

He cut me off again and I really thought he was about to hit me. "We didn't _do_ anything and I'm not the one who spread the fucking rumor, Brian." And then I realized this wasn't about gloating or fighting over a girl or anything like that. This was about protecting _her_. It was probably the only thing we really agreed on. And I'd messed it up long before he had. Not anywhere near as badly as he had, of course; his "mistake" was kinda epic. But she had forgiven him and I was never really sure if she'd completely forgiven me. She was also the only one who knew I'd said anything that would have told him; she must have said something about it to him last night. "You told people that I'd fucked her in my car, in front of your house. You said that about her, pretty much telling the whole school she was a _slut_, and you still try to call yourself her friend?"

"Listen, I really thought-"

"That I'd done her that night? She was with me for less than ten minutes! Hell, we barely kissed! And what the fuck did it matter to you?"

"But I- She- I mean-"

"I get that you like her, Brian. It's obvious to anyone with eyes that you're crazy about her. But so am I. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes. It's none of your business what she and I do or don't do together. So just leave her the fuck alone, okay?" There was almost a growl to his voice and I looked away. "You got that, Krakow?"

I nodded, fists clenched. I couldn't hit him, I knew that. I'd either break my hand or get my own face broken. But I wanted to. He looked away too and I kinda wondered why he hadn't just left already. He fidgeted a bit and then looked at me again; I just glared back. "I needed to talk to you about one more thing," he said, his voice a bit more unsure.

"What?" I snapped. "What more could you _possibly_ have to say to me? Haven't you said enough?"

"The tutoring sessions." He sighed and sounded a bit reluctant.

"I don't know if I can do that anymore."

Jordan nodded. "Yeah, I understand. If things had gone the other way, if she had made, like a different choice, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want you as my tutor anymore. She's really the only reason school matters to me now. Without her, I'd probably have just dropped out like I was planning to before. Or gotten kicked out. Anyway, I understand if it's too weird. But you're a pretty good teacher, almost as good as Racine was, and I'd like to keep learning from you."

Part of me was surprised, but it was the emotional part of me that didn't like Jordan Catalano and didn't want to admit that he actually _could _think his way out of a paper bag. I _knew_ he wasn't dumb; tutoring him had shown me that. He understood things pretty quickly, once it was explained the right way. _Of course_ he'd thought about how this would affect him. And for once, I was the one without an answer. It would be awkward now and I wasn't sure I wanted to help him anymore. After this whole thing, I wasn't so sure I cared.

I shrugged. "I don't know. I'll think about it."

He smiled. "You're a decent guy, Brain, aside from the whole Angela thing, and I think of you as a friend. But I'm pretty sure you don't see it that way. At least, not anymore."

He was right, I didn't think of him as a friend. But then, I never really had. None of this was fair; I'd known Angela forever and had been in love with her for almost as long. Why was it that the guy who'd hurt her was the guy she kept? Why couldn't it be me?

He frowned as he looked out the window in the door at her house and scratched the back of his head. "Brian, I've got to let you know, I really do understand how you feel about her. She gets into your head and won't leave." I nodded "She's not like other girls, you know? I'm not letting her go without a fight."

"Whatever. But if you hurt her again, I'll make sure you pay for it." We glared at each other for a moment, tense and angry. After a few seconds, he nodded and I looked away. "I'll think about the tutoring thing. See you on Monday." It was a dismissal and he understood, heading for the door. He paused after opening it, though and turned to me.

"Thanks, Brain."

"For what?"

He shrugged. "For doing what makes her happy instead of what makes you happy."

* * *

Angela POV

_One week later_

That first week after the letter was really awkward. For everyone, I think. What I'd said to Jordan that night was true: Brian was a safer choice for me; the better, smarter choice. But was he the _right_ choice? I don't know. And I'm not sure he is. You see, your head can make all these decisions based on facts and opinions and you can know that _one_ thing would be better for you than _another_. But your heart doesn't really care what your head thinks. Or maybe it does, but it keeps on doing whatever it feels like anyway.

And I think that's what I did. Because I knew going back to Jordan Catalano wasn't a good choice, or the smart choice or whatever. I knew that I could get seriously hurt by doing this; there weren't any guarantees that everything would be okay. Being with him wasn't _safe_. Going back was a dumb choice; but my heart said he was the _right_ choice.

And so I found myself actively avoiding Brian Krakow and inadvertently avoiding Ricky. I knew it put Ricky in a weird spot, too; he was still friends with Rayanne, he'd become friends with Brian and he was friends with me. And getting the three of us together was going to be… well, not something I envied him.

I knew I'd have to deal with this all at some point; things like that letter don't just go away and while I was pretending that it didn't matter, deep down I knew it did. Brian wasn't going to be content to let it lie either, he would confront me at some point. I knew that I needed to be the one to pick the time and place for the confrontation or it would be at the worst possible time, especially if I let this fester too long. Too soon, though, and I wouldn't know what to say; I needed to figure out how I felt about it. Brian had been a part of my life almost as long as Sharon and the thought that he may one day not be there disturbed me a little. But could I feel _that_ way about him? Could I want him the way I wanted Jordan? The sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about kissing him told me that I couldn't; he was more like a brother than anything else. It would hurt him to realize that, but he'd have to accept it eventually.

For now, avoidance was my best option so I did everything I could to avoid being alone anywhere with him. It wasn't quite as hard as I'd thought it would be, especially since Jordan was going out of his way to pay lots of attention to me. Not by talking a lot, like he had Friday night, but just being there. I guess he'd said his quota of words for the next few weeks in that one conversation because he was _really_ quiet. But it wasn't uncomfortable; we didn't make out _all_ the time like we had before and we didn't talk much. Not that we didn't talk at all. Or make out; we did. A lot. But we did that less often than we had before. We often just kinda sat together and… were. It wasn't the same as before but it felt… nice. We held hands in the halls and he drove me to and from school every day. And Brian left me alone when Jordan was around.

There was this tension between Jordan and Brian now, too. I don't know if Brian is still tutoring him or not and while part of me hopes he is, the other part hopes that Jordan will find someone else to help him. Regardless of whether the tutoring is still going on or not, the tension is there, and it's my fault.

It was Saturday before I finally was able to ask Jordan what was going on. He worked Saturday mornings, most of the afternoon too, so didn't really expect to see him at all that next weekend. I mean, yeah, the Saturday after we'd talked, he'd spent the afternoon with me but I had thought he'd want to go out with the guys this weekend, practice with the band. I knew they were re-forming and were looking to book some gigs with him as the singer so I figured I'd have some time to myself while they worked things out. He surprised me though, knocking on the door that afternoon. I stood there staring at him for a moment, shocked.

"Anglea! Who's at the door?" Mom's voice brought me out of my Jordan-induced daze; I'd just been staring at him for several seconds. Why am I always such a dork?

"Jordan's here." I opened the door a little wider and let him step in. He smelled of cold air, cigarettes and soap. I loved the way he smelled.

"Oh, that's nice." She poked her head out over the banister. "Hello, Jordan! It's nice to see you." He just smiled and nodded at her, one hand raised in a partial greeting. "Angela, you guys could watch a movie or something. Didn't you rent something to watch with Ricky the other night? _The Birds_? _The Raven_?"

"_The Crow_, Mom." Jordan laughed a little and I rolled my eyes. It was weird knowing that Jordan and my mom had kinda bonded. She said hello and smiled at him every time he came to the house and it was honestly a little freaky.

"Well, you guys could watch that. There's lots of stuff in the fridge, too, so go ahead and make yourselves something to eat. I've got to get back to this closet, though. Have fun!" She went back to what she was doing, leaving us alone.

I sighed. "And that's Patty-speak for 'your room is off limits,'" I said.

He grinned and laughed. "Yeah, I didn't think your mom would be cool with us being anywhere near like, a bed."

I blushed and he smiled at me, coming further into the living roomso I could close the door. As he brushed past me, the sleeve of his jacket caught against my shirt and I couldn't help but blush deeper. Jordan Catalano was in my house. For a moment, I was confused; what was I supposed to do with Jordan? In my house? With my mother upstairs knowing I was downstairs with him?

He stood in the hall looking at me, hands in his pockets and shoulders a bit hunched. Suddenly, I remembered some manners. "So. Would you like something to drink? We have- I dunno." I kinda blanked for a moment. When I looked up at him, he was smiling. "I can check"

"That's cool," he said, shrugging out of his jacket and hanging it up by the door. For some reason, I felt really shy. I mean this wasn't the first time he'd come to my house by a long shot. But somehow, everything felt different now. Mom knowing he was down here with me, knowing we were an "item" again, made me feel all awkward. And I still wanted to touch him just as much as I ever had. Which made me think of other things I'd like to do to him... Crap, I'm babbling in my head!

"We could hang out in the kitchen, then watch the movie," I suggested.

He nodded. "Sure. I've seen it before, but it's good enough to watch again." He looked down at me and his hair fell into his eyes. I brushed it away almost automatically and he took my hand. There were calluses on his fingertips from playing guitar; the feel of them on my skin caused an odd tug in my stomach. I wanted to shiver, but just grazed my fingers over the calluses again.

"Okay." I moved to lead him to the kitchen but he pulled me back. I looked up at him, confused for a moment, and then he kissed my cheek. It was just a small kiss, he just brushed his lips against my face, but it had me blushing and him grinning.

"You're really cute when you blush." I blushed deeper and he smiled wider, kissing my cheek again. I barely remember walking to the kitchen. But then there we were, together. He held my hand as I looked in the fridge for something for him to drink.

"We've got some root beer, orange juice, iced tea, milk…" I listed the contents of the top shelf and looked back at him.

"Orange juice is good." He shrugged and I pulled out the container, setting it on the counter under the cabinet for the glasses. I poured him a really big glass and he drank it almost faster than I had poured. You've heard that saying about how teenage boys are bottomless pits? Yeah, Jordan fit that to like, a T.

"Wow." I blinked. "Would you like another glass?" He blushed and pulled his hand back to run it though his hair. "I can get you a sandwich too, if you like?

"Another glass would be great, but I was kinda thinking about taking you somewhere for like a burger or something later if you want?" He held out the glass and ducked his head a bit.

I nodded and filled his glass again. "Yeah, that's okay with me. I'll have to ask my parents first…" It was so embarrassing to have to say that. Especially to Jordan. I knew he never had to ask permission to go anywhere or do anything and I felt like such a child telling him that I still needed to _ask_. He never really said anything about it, though. Like, he understood how I felt and didn't want to make me more uncomfortable than I already was.

"Cool." I poured a glass for myself and leaned against the island to watch him drink the second glass. I couldn't help but watch the way his throat worked as he swallowed; for some reason, I found it incredibly sexy. When he put down the glass and looked at me, I smiled at him.

"I thought I wasn't going to see you today," I said, moving to stand next to him. "You'd said the band was like, re-forming or something and I thought you'd be doing band re-forming type stuff tonight." Jordan smirked and put his arm around me.

"Was that like a hint, babe? Do you want me gone?" he teased.

"No." I drew out the "o" and rolled my eyes. "It was more like a question. How are things going with the band?" He drew back and sipped his juice, thinking.

"It's... good but like, complicated. Since Tino left, there's not like, a front man or a direction, you know? We're still trying to figure all that stuff out." He shrugged. "Things have _kinda_ started falling into place since I started singing but I'm like, not sure I want to be front man. Like, I don't know if I want to be the face for the band, you know?"

"You've got the voice for it," I encouraged. He shrugged and stared down at the floor. "Jordan, seriously, you've got a beautiful voice. I love hearing you sing." He nodded but didn't look up. I took that as a hint to change the subject. "So, were you guys able to get any practice time in this week?"

"Some. We're doing a rehearsal tonight, if you want to come."

"You really want me there?" He looked up and our eyes met. I wanted to paint my room the same blue as his eyes and just stare at it for hours. When he pulled me to him, I just melted into his arms; it felt so good to have him hold me again.

"Yeah, Angela. I really do want you there," he whispered. I just nodded. It took me a moment to come back to reality; there was something about being that close to him that always turned my brain to mush.

"So like, are you guys working on some of your own songs?" I asked, waking myself up. "I really loved that one you played when I saw you rehearse the one time."

"Yeah, Red's good. We've got a couple of other original things we're working on." He shrugged, smiling. "It's like, it kinda gets complicated when you throw drums and bass and another guitar in. So we have to keep working on it until it actually _sounds_ like something."

"Are you writing the lyrics?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Most of the music, too, actually. I seem to have a lot to say lately." He smiled at me and I bit my lip. "I should have just written you a song, you know? And played it for you until you listened. Or like, called the cops or something." Those eyes of his that could be so blank were full of all kinds of emotion, most of which I couldn't place. It almost took my breath away to see so much in his eyes.

"You can sing to me any time," I whispered. He stepped over to me, still smiling and gently brushed my arms with his hands. He was so much taller than me, I had to crane my neck back to look at him. The top of my head barely reached his chin. He leaned closer and I could feel his breath against my lips. My breath was starting to come a little faster. When he finally kissed me, I couldn't help but gasp. It wasn't a rough kiss, or even a particularly passionate one, just his mouth gently moving against mine.

There were so many different ways to kiss and it felt like he was teaching me a new one every time our lips touched. It was exhilarating and I never wanted to stop. The next time we kissed would be like another lesson.

The kiss wasn't deep and didn't last a long time, just long enough to have me nearly breathless and blushing. He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear and I moved to feel his hand against my cheek. His palm was warm and dry but for some reason it made my heart beat just a bit faster and my knees feel just a bit weaker, just feeling his palm cup my cheek. I felt a little sad when he backed away but he leaned against the counter again and started drinking his juice. My own juice was halfway gone when I remembered one of the questions I'd wanted to ask him.

"So, like, what's with the glaring contest between you and Krakow lately? I mean, I know things are like, kinda awkward but... I chose you, so you don't have to be like, hostile. He's still my friend. Kinda." He grimaced and looked down for a moment. When he looked up again I could tell he was reluctant to really say what had been going on. "Do I not want to know? Did you guys fight or something?"

"No! Sorta. Not like-" He ran his hand through his hair and I was starting to wonder if he actually _did_ fight with Brian. "I didn't hit him. I wanted to, but I didn't."

"So what _did_ you do?" I asked, a bit apprehensively.

"We had a little talk. About him being an asshole. You know, the whole school thinking we'd like, done it?" He looked slightly embarrassed but I was kinda confused.

"Jordan, that was forever ago!"

"I know, but I didn't know he was the one who started the whole thing until you told me. How could he say something like that about you? I mean, friends aren't supposed to be the ones starting the rumors, Angela. They do what they can to stop them. He's like, got this major thing for you which is like totally obvious and you'd think he'd do whatever he could to keep your name clear, you know? But he didn't. He like, did the opposite. He's like-" I could tell he was struggling so I nodded at him. "What do you call it when someone like, tells people not to do something but then does it themselves? Like when a priest tells people not to drink but gets drunk on alter wine?"

"A hypocrite?"

"Yeah! He's a hypocrite. So I like, _had_ to say something to him." He wouldn't look at me.

"Why?" He leaned against the sink and I stood in front of him. "It's no big deal, Jordan. Yeah, it hurt, but it was just talk. I mean, who cares? Really."

"I do." When his eyes met mine I could see that he really did, he really was upset about it. "I don't like people talking shit about you. Especially shit like that. I mean, Angela, he might as well have called you a slut! And you're not."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned against him. "It's over and done with, Jordan. And it's not like anyone remembers anymore, anyway." I smiled up at him and kissed him lightly on the lips. "Are you like, embarrassed it's not true?"

He hugged me back tight and laughed. "No. I mean, I _do_ wish it were true. You know how bad I want you." He kissed me then, his lips just skimming mine. It was so sweet but I could almost feel him restraining himself, like he wanted more but felt he had to hold back. He pulled away and sighed loudly. "But I also hate that people would believe that about you; that you'd be so… easy. You're not like that."

"No, I'm not." I ran my hands up and down his back as I thought about that for a minute. Did it matter that some kids at school thought I put out? It _was_ a bit embarrassing, especially at first when guys had been staring at me all the time. But people seemed to have gotten over it and it really didn't matter anymore. I looked up into his blue eyes and smiled. "I think all that really counts is that _you_ know that."

He laughed and leaned his forehead against mine. "Believe me, I'm painfully aware of the fact that you're _not_ easy, Angela." I rolled my eyes at him and leaned back, away from him. "What? You've made that really clear!"

"Painfully?"

He laughed and pulled me closer. "Sometimes, yeah. Most of the time though, I'm just glad you'll look at me."

"Can't help myself from doing that sometimes." And I couldn't help the smile on my face either; it spread from cheek to cheek and I could feel myself blushing. Jordan grinned right back and kissed me again. It was a deeper kiss this time, tongues slipping past lips to tangle together. I had started to move my hands up to his hair when someone cleared their throat behind us. Startled, I backed away from Jordan and turned to see my dad standing in the hall staring at us.

"Dad! Um… I thought you were… When did you get home?"

"Just now, actually." He looked at Jordan and raised an eyebrow. I held my breath. "Hello, Jordan. I didn't know you were planning to come over."

"Hey," Jordan muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"He just kinda dropped by unexpected," I supplied. "Mom's cleaning one of the closets and suggested we watch a movie. We were just going to like, grab something to snack on first." My father nodded "Um, Dad? Jordan asked if I could go see his band practice tonight. Would that be okay?"

"I guess so. I'll talk to your mom about it but I'm sure it'll be fine. At least it's not a school night." He looked Jordan over. "What do you play?"

"I'm lead guitar." He leaned back against the counter looking uncomfortable.

"He's lead singer, too." I leaned next to him and grabbed his hand. He squeezed it gently and didn't let go. "And he's been writing most of their original songs. He's really good." I briefly thought about _Red_. Ricky had eventually told me it was about Jordan's car but I couldn't help but think it might have earned a double meaning by now.

"Singer-songwriter?" Dad asked; he seemed a bit surprised. "That's pretty impressive, especially since you're playing lead as well. I'd always heard it was a bit difficult to play lead guitar and sing at the same time, something about competing melodies?"

"Thanks. It's taken some work but I manage." Jordan smiled a bit and squeezed my hand.

"You guys got a name?"

"We're calling ourselves Residue," he said. "We used to be Frozen Embryos, but then Tino quit and we had to find a new singer. We had a couple different singers but they all either flaked out or sucked and I ended up singing... it was just a big mess. So we're Residue."

Dad looked a bit confused but shook his head and smiled. "That's an... interesting name. Well, Angela, I really don't see a problem with you going as long as you're home by curfew."

"Eleven, right?" I asked. Dad nodded and I turned to look at Jordan. "Rehearsal starts at seven? And you wanted to grab something to eat first?" Jordan nodded. "Dunno if we've got time to watch the movie then."

"You guys can always eat here. We'll have more than enough." I looked at Jordan as my dad spoke. He'd gone blank almost as soon as we'd realized my dad was in the room and his expression was really no different now. But maybe I was getting to know him better because something in his face told me he was disappointed and uncomfortable.

I shook my head at Dad. "I kinda want to go out, you know?"

"That's fine, sweetie. Have fun!" I felt Jordan tug at my hand a bit as my father smiled. "I'm just going to go up and see what your mom is doing. Let us know before you leave, will you?"

We watched my dad head out of the room and Jordan seemed to heave a sigh of relief. I understood but laughed at him anyway.

"Your dad doesn't like me."

"You're dating his daughter, Jordan," I deadpanned. "Of course he doesn't like you." Jordan laughed. "So, you wanna head over to the loft soon?" I lead him out into the living room and sat on the couch. He sat next to me and looked around. It was obvious he kept glancing at the stairs.

"It's up to you, babe. We've got like, two hours until rehearsal so we can hang out here for a while, if you want."

"I'd rather go sooner than later, if it's alright with you." He nodded. "Do you mind if I go up and change?"

"I don't mind, but I don't get why you'd need to. You look fine." I looked down at my green t-shirt and jeans. I hadn't had any plans to do anything to day so had just thrown on whatever when I'd gotten up. Thank God I'd taken a shower.

"I look like I threw on the first thing I found this morning. 'Cause, you know, I did."

He laughed. "It's _just_ rehearsal. You. Look. Fine." He leaned back on the couch, grabbed my arm and pulled me close, his lips ghosting over mine. The feel of his breath against my lips had my knees weak and my heart racing. It smelled slightly of orange but more of him; that slightly metallic, dark, musky scent that all males seem to have. "If you really want to change, that's cool." I barely understood what he was saying. He brushed his lips against mine then and I nearly stopped breathing, it just felt so good.

Suddenly I realized we were on my parents' couch and I backed up, smirking at him. "Not fair. You distracted me."

"I tried." I rolled my eyes at him. "Doesn't seem to be working, though," he said, frowning.

"Trust me, I may need CPR." We both laughed and he kissed me again, quickly this time. Neither one of us seemed to be able to get enough of the other. "I'm going to let my parents know we're going and grab my purse. You're sure I look okay?" He rolled his eyes. "Okay! I'll be right back."

I ran up the stairs and went to knock on my parents' door. Dad opened it.

"You guys going so soon?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm just going to grab my purse and we'll head out." I backed away from the door a bit but Dad grabbed my arm.

"Wait, sweetie, I've got a question. Jordan is in your grade right?" He had his worried face on and that made _me_ want to worry. "How old is he, again?"

I bit my lip. "He'll be eighteen next month."

"Eighteen? Really? And he's still a sophomore?" He didn't look happy. _Crap. My dad thinks my boyfriend is dumb._

"Dad, he's kinda dyslexic. Like Uncle Neil?" I whispered, hoping Jordan couldn't hear us. I knew he was really uncomfortable with the fact that he needed help and I didn't want him to feel I thought anything less of him because of it. "It just took them a while to figure out what was going on. He's really smart, he just has trouble with reading. So yeah, he's had to repeat a few grades. That doesn't make him any less than anyone else!"

Dad held up his hands and laughed. "Sorry! I didn't mean to imply anything like that. I mean, it _is_ odd that he's still in your grade, but I understand how something like that can make school harder than it should be. I'm sorry I assumed something else. And I hope he realizes how lucky he is you're so defensive of him." He opened his arms to me and I hugged him. I missed the easy relationship we used to have. I pulled away and headed for my room.

"Thanks, Dad. I'll see you later tonight."

"At eleven!" he insisted.

"Yes, Dad, at eleven."

* * *

An hour and a half later we sat sharing a chocolate milkshake in the front seat of Jordan's car. We were parked a little ways from where the practice would be and were planning to head in soon. The rest of the band wouldn't be at the loft for a while yet but Jordan liked the idea of us having some time alone, even if it was in the loft.

I took a sip from the drink and handed it to Jordan. "Sorry about the third degree from my dad," I murmured. Jordan just shrugged.

"It's a little awkward but I don't really mind," he replied, laughing a little. "My old man couldn't care less about where I am or who I hang out with. As long as I'm not in his way, it doesn't matter to him. But your folks are different. I mean, it is kinda uncomfortable but not anything I can't handle. Your dad just wants you to be safe. I get it."

I worried at my lip. Since he'd told me about how his mother had left, I'd been concerned about him going home. There wasn't anything I could do and I knew that he was capable of protecting himself but… I cared about Jordan. I really didn't want him hurt. So, I had questions, lots of them. And even though I wanted to ask, I didn't want him to think I was prying or being too pushy.

"Is it really that bad at home for you?" I asked softly.

I could see a frown cross his face before he turned from me and slowly let out a breath. After that he wouldn't look at me but I could tell the blank-ish look had come back into his eyes. "Yeah."

"You're going to be old enough to live on your own soon…"

"But I can't afford it." He finally looked back at me and smirked a bit. "My job doesn't pay enough for me to have my own place, especially in Three Rivers. Before you, I had kinda thought I'd drop out at eighteen, move to Pittsburgh and just get a GED or something later. But now that I'm planning on staying in school, I don't want to _change_ schools. Working at a garage part time, I can't afford anything around here. Believe me, I've looked." I frowned.

"So you spend a lot of time in your car?"

"Yeah, I've had to sleep here a few times," he almost whispered. "I don't really want to talk about this, Ange."

"I just, like, worry about you, you know?" He nodded and I kept talking. "I just want to know you're safe." He didn't move or speak, didn't even look at me, but I knew what I'd said meant something to him. "So when you can't stay in the car, where else do you go?"

"You know the place I showed you? The old warehouse where I took Ricky?" I nodded. "I go there sometimes." That place had been so depressing; it was hard to think of him staying there, even for a night. "Angela, I don't wanna get into this."

I nodded, torn between wanting to know more and wishing I'd never asked in the first place. As hard as it was for me to think about, I knew it was harder for him to talk about. I turned to look back over at him. He hadn't moved. "When was the last time you had to?"

"Thursday. He works the night shift most of the time but he had Thursday off this week, so he was there when I got home after being at your place." He leaned back in the seat and put both hands on the wheel. "Listen, Angela, I'm really not all that comfortable talking about this. Especially with you."

"Why?"

"Because," he growled, "neither of your parents have ever given you a black eye and I'd really like to keep you away from crazy shit like that."

"So you won't even tell me if something happens to you?" I protested.

"Not unless I have to. So just drop it."

"But-" I wanted to say more but he turned to look at me and I could tell he was mad. It was the first time I'd seen him really upset with me.

"Listen," he insisted, "I'm telling you all this because I know you don't feel sorry for me or anything like that. You're asking because you like, care. But I really don't want to talk about this, Angela, and I'm not going to. Maybe if we're like, together for a longer time, I might think about it. But right now, I'm not talking about it, okay?" I nodded and he wrapped his arms around me. "Babe, I'm sorry I yelled at you but… I don't want to talk about my old man."

"Alright, I'll drop it. I'm sorry I pushed you," I whispered. He kissed me and I could taste chocolate on his lips. "Listen, if you ever need a place to crash, I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind too much if you came to us. Ricky stayed with us for a while after his uncle kicked him out." He looked thankful but laughed a little.

"Dunno if you noticed, Angela, but Ricky's gay."

"What clued you in?" I drawled.

"He wears more makeup than you," Jordan joked back. "It's just that I'm pretty sure your parents would rather have Ricky, who _isn't_ going to try to sneak into your bed at night, stay at the house than me." I thought about that.

"And you _would_ be trying to sneak into my bed at night? Even if you knew you weren't going to be getting any?" I asked, a little incredulously. He shrugged and nodded.

"You think I'd be able to stay away?" he asked. "I _want_ you. I know you're not ready yet and that's fine. But I still want you. A lot."

I thought about it for a moment. The fact that he wanted me gave me a nervous, shivery feeling deep in my stomach. Hearing him actually _say_ he wanted me made that feeling tighten and my hands shake. And I knew my parents wouldn't want to let Jordan anywhere _near_ my room. "You're right, they wouldn't be as comfortable. But, the offer still stands."

"Thanks. I'll think about it." He looked at the clock in the dash then kissed me again. "We should get up to the loft. I saw Shane go in a few minutes ago."

I held doors while he carried his guitar and amp up to the space. Jordan had been right; Shane was already there when we came in. I'd seen him with Jordan a few times but had never actually met him; I wondered if Jordan would introduce us now.

"Jordan!" he shouted, walking over to us. "Man, am I glad to see you! Paul was being such a dick earlier; I thought I was going to hit the fucker."

Jordan snorted at him. "Dude, you always want to hit Paul."

"Because he's always being a douche." He looked over at me and cringed. "Sorry. Umm-" I was beginning to feel awkward. But Shane looked right at me and smiled. "Angela, right? Shane." He stuck out his hand for me to shake and I took it without thinking. His hand was warm and dry and his smile was huge as he spoke. Jordan dropped his gear off by Shane's and walked back over to us, smiling.

"Hi." Why the hell was I so intimidated by this? I dropped my hand down and played with the hem of my shirt, wishing I'd just gone with my instincts earlier and changed in to something else, anything else. I felt really out of place.

"I see you two have met." Jordan grabbed my hand, effectively stopping my fidgeting. I looked up at him but he was already looking down at me, a small smile on his lips. "Ange, Shane is like, my best friend. Almost like a brother, you know? He's always been there for me."

"Dude, you're making me sound gay," Shane complained. I giggled, I couldn't help it. "You came to watch us practice before, right?"

"Yeah, like, a couple months ago," I said, nodding.

He smiled. "Cool. I'm gonna go set up. Later."

I looked up at Jordan and he smiled at me then kissed my cheek. "I'm gonna set up too. There's beer and pop in the fridge so you can like, have whatever. The hammock gets snagged pretty quick so if you want it, you should grab it now." He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Maybe I'll join you at the break." I blushed and pulled him closer, gripping his jacket.

"Well, then. I'll just go sit in the hammock." He laughed and pushed me towards it gently. I climbed in, sat back and just watched.

* * *

A/N:

Yay! Some Fluff! ::sighs:: I love letting them just be cute.

Again, I don't own it!

A little trivia about the show: Claire Danes was born in April of 1979, which makes her 4 months older than me. (I know! We're both 30 this year! Gasp!) Jared Leto was born in December of 1971, making him a little less than 2 years younger than my husband (Jared's 37 now, hubby is 39). Now, that's fine where we all are in age presently. No big deal. However, in 94, when the series was filmed, Ms Danes was 15 and Jared was 22, almost 23. Which in my mind, actually makes the make out scenes the _tiniest_ bit creepy.

And I know that the height difference between them isn't quite as great as I've been saying. It's more like, her nose is just below his chin. But... okay, it sounds really dumb and shit but... My husband is a lot taller than me, as in my eyebrows are below his collarbone. I'm not short, either. In fact, I'm an inch taller than "average". In 2 inch heels, I'm 5'9" and _just_ reach his chin. My Sasquatch is just massive. :-) And it feels really fucking good when he hugs me and I'm so completely surrounded by him. So call me names, but I decided she's shorter and he's taller. :-P

The next chapter might take a while. I've had 6 or 7 chapter Ideas pop into my head in the past 3 days... so it's been difficult to focus on one thing. I'm working on 5, though and I have several more that need just a bit more work before they're ready to be edited.

Again, I must thank my lovely Beta, luvjordan, for her insight and support. Thank you, dear!

Please Read and Review, lovelies! I love getting reviews.


	5. Chapter 5

_**DISCLAIMER: SHAID IN NO WAY, SHAPE OR FORM OWNS JORDAN CATALANO. I ONLY WISH I DID.**_

_A Mess of Things_

By Shaid

Chapter 5

_Jordan POV_

_May 9__th__, 1997_

Angela was going to be pissed. It had been months since I'd shown up with bruises and these were some of the worst I'd had since… well, since I could remember. Most of them I couldn't hide under my clothes either; he'd aimed for the face. I was fucking sore all over but I was pretty sure nothing was broken. I didn't like to fight; I knew how to and I'd been ready for it this time but I still hated it.

The thing about getting hit in the face was that it always looked bad, even if it wasn't. I didn't have a black eye but there were some bruises on my eyebrow and cheekbones that came close. The worst was the split lip; it was swollen and fucking purple already. I'd been able to clean up a little at the loft and the cuts on my jaw had stopped bleeding but I still looked like shit. It had just been the absolute wrong time to tell him; I hadn't noticed the half empty whiskey bottle on the end table when I'd walked in and apparently, he'd had a real shitty day already.

Bruises or not, I was supposed to have dinner with Angela and her mom tonight. We'd decided tonight was the night we were going to tell Patty and if I bailed, she'd kill me. Besides, I didn't have anywhere else to go now that I'd been thrown out of the house. The bruises were going to make for some uncomfortable dinner conversation. Of course, they might make her go easy on me; I already looked like I'd had the crap beaten out of me once over this, a second time wasn't going to make Angela any less pregnant.

Patty was in the kitchen when I came in the back door. I tried to sneak past, just say hey and go on up to Angela's room. But she saw my face.

"Oh my god! Jordan, what happened?" I stopped in the hallway and turned back to her, head down. "You- Oh, God. Angela!" she called up the stairs. "Angela, get down here!"

"Look, I'm fine. I'll just get some ice and it'll be ok." Angela came running down the stairs two at a time. She stopped short when she saw my face then went into a panic.

"Jordan? What-? Are you ok? Is anything broken?" I just shook my head as she and her mother led me to the kitchen and sat me down at the table. Patty prodded at my bruises while Angela stood next to me. "But you said- I mean- He hit you? Why did he-" She stopped when she realized what must have happened. "No. God damn it, Jordan!"

"Angela, watch your language," Patty snapped. "Does that hurt, Jordan?" she asked, pressing on a spot near my eye. It stung a little but felt okay so I just shook my head again. "Good. Ok, talk to me, guys. What is going on?"

Angela ignored her. "Why would you confront him alone?" she pressed, angry. I flinched as Patty hit a really sore spot. "I told you I'd be there with you! Maybe he wouldn't have reacted so violently if I had been there?"

"And I told you I'm not letting you anywhere near him. It would have been worse if you'd been there." We'd had this argument a few times now. I still didn't want her anywhere near my old man and I'd flat out refused to let her be there when I told him about our baby. He wasn't the type to get all sentimental about a grandkid.

"You don't know that!" she shouted.

"Yes, I do!"

"Both of you cut it out!" Patty interrupted, "Angela, get some ice from the freezer and wrap it in a towel. I'm not sure I understand. Confront who? What happened?"

"Giovanni hit him," Angela almost growled. She wrenched the freezer door open and slammed the ice around. I was glad to see her temper directed at someone else (anyone else) for now. As sexy as she was when she was pissed, I'd seen a bit too much of that face lately.

"Your father?" Patty frowned. "He did this? Why would he-? Jordan, I know it's not really my business but- has this happened before? It's always been fairly obvious that you two don't get along, but I never thought he was actually _violent_ toward you. I had no idea. You should have told me. I could've helped. There are laws, y'know?"

"Yeah," I said flatly. I wasn't going to talk about this with Patty. There was nothing she could do about it and I was done with the bastard anyway. He'd kicked me out. All my stuff was packed in Red. I'd sleep at the loft if I needed to but there was no way in hell I'd go back to that house.

"I don't- I know I can't really do much for you now, but you know that if you need something, you can ask me." I nodded. "What happened? I mean, was it unprovoked or-" Patty was the kind of mom the wanted to help her kids friends and I respected that. She tried to be a good person. But how do you explain the kind of shit I dealt with to a person like that? So I just cut her off.

"He didn't like something I had to say and kicked me out." Her eyes widened in shock and I could tell Angela was trying to hold back tears. She hated it when I didn't have a place to go; I know she was scared something would happen to me.

"What could you possibly have said to merit this?"

I shifted uncomfortably, my eyes darting to Angela. She was biting her nails and looking like she wanted to shout. "Can we talk about this later? I just need to like, relax for a little. Ange and I can hang out in her room until dinner."

"Sure. No problem." She waved us up the stairs. "Danielle is having dinner at a friend's so it'll just be the three of us again. I'll call up when it's ready."

We were halfway up the stairs when I whispered to Angela, "Danielle is having dinner at a friend's? Seriously? How did you manage that? Since when is she talking to those bratty friends of hers again?" She shrugged.

"Apparently they made up a few weeks ago. Of course, she didn't _tell_ me until I asked her this afternoon. God, ever since she made Honor Roll she's been like, completely unbearable." She rolled her eyes and sighed. Angela was smart and her grades were decent but she'd never really cared about things like Honor Roll. She still didn't, but Danielle treated her freshman year like a competition; it was like she had to do everything better or faster than Angela. "So anyway, Danielle apologized for calling them idiots and they apologized for bailing on her at the mall. Its better that she's talking to them again anyway; she's been hanging out with our friends _way_ too much this year and she'd be really lonely if she and the brats were still on the outsover the summer. I did have to resort to blackmail, however," she groaned.

"What did you blackmail her with?" Danielle was a good kid; she was way too smart and her sense of humor was on the twisted side but she was still good.

"Telling Mom about her boyfriend."

"Boyfriend?" I was totally confused. _Since when did Danielle have a boyfriend?_ I'd kinda taken on a big brother role with her, keeping an eye on her and basically telling her to stay away from guys like me. It was like she was my sister too, but I didn't have to deal with her shit as much as Angela did. So Danielle and I were… well, I cared about the kid. A lot. And I worried about her getting the wrong idea about things. I didn't want some asshole taking advantage of her like I'd done to girls before I met Angela. The idea that she had a boyfriend I didn't know about disturbed me a little.

"You don't know?" She quietly closed the door to her room, laughing. "Most of the school is talking about it. It's kinda funny to have _her_ as the object of gossip. Little Miss Honor Roll is dating a Senior."

"No fucking way." I was shocked. I mean, she hung out with us all the time, you know, and all of us were seniors. So I guess if she could have friends that were older, she could have a boyfriend who was older, too. Still… "That's- what's wrong with him? I mean, a senior? I don't like it. What kind of guy dates a _kid_ three or four years younger than him?"

Angela just shrugged. "You were eighteen and I was fifteen when we were messing around."

"I was _seventeen_ when we started messing around," I reminded her. "And you turned sixteen right after I turned eighteen. I mean, we're just two years apart, Ange. It's not like- Man, there's gotta be at _least_ three years difference there. She's still a _kid_! I mean, does she even- She's not even filled out yet, is she?" It's not like I looked at her that way, so I really did have to ask. I may have to have a little talk with this _boyfriend_. The situation with me and Angela was bad enough, but I think Patty'd have a heart attack if _Danielle_ ended up pregnant in her sophomore year.

"Jordan!" She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Yes, she is. She's actually bigger than me. And thank you for not noticing. Anyway, he's an honors student, one of Brian Krakow's friends; Martin or Marvin, something like that. It's so weird. I mean, God, she had this _huge_ crush on Krakow for the longest time and now she's dating one of his friends? I guess she really has a thing for nerds. And she totally has him wrapped around her little finger." She flopped down on her bed and I followed, pulling her tight against me. Bruises or no bruises, I couldn't go much longer without kissing her. Her lips were always so fucking soft; I loved to lick at them until she opened her mouth to me. When she did, I slid my tongue against hers, tasting her and begging her to taste me. It was a long time before I pulled away to breathe.

"That's such a weird saying," I said as I kissed down her neck. God, her neck was just fucking amazing. She made all these wonderful sounds when I licked or bit at it. My hands slid under her clothes to touch as much skin as I could. Her skin was soft and smooth all over and I seriously couldn't get enough.

"What? 'Wrapped around her finger'?" she asked breathlessly. I could tell she was starting to have trouble concentrating on anything but my hands and mouth. She wasn't paying attention to where my hands were roaming so I kept talking, distracting her while one hand slid down her stomach, past the top of her pants.

"Yeah. It's just weird. 'Cause like, people could say I'm wrapped around your finger, too. And I guess in a way, I am." I nibbled on her neck for a moment before sucking on it softly. "I'd do anything for you, Angela," I breathed. "But I like it much better when _you're_ wrapped around _my_ fingers." I slid two fingers into her and she moaned. I loved that sound; it was like, the more I heard it, the more I wanted to hear it. All the sounds she made were like that. And she was so fucking beautiful when she came. I rubbed her slowly with my thumb as I slipped a third finger in and felt her buck against my hand. She whimpered my name and started trying to pull off her pants.

"Please," she whispered, "Jordan, please, I need more." I knew we only had a few minutes but- God damn; I almost couldn't help myself when she begged like that. In seconds, her jeans were on the floor and I was inside her. One of the best things about her being pregnant? No. More. Fucking. Condoms. I mean, seriously, both of us were clean and it wasn't like she could get more pregnant. It was the best sensation ever and I loved that it was something new to _both_ of us. I'd never _not_ used a condom and having Angela be the first I had this kind of contact with was… fucking perfect.

One of the other great things was how quick she got off these days. All it took was a few flicks of my fingers and a couple thrusts and she was fucking _sobbing_ into my mouth while I kissed her. She arched under me, her whole body shuddering and I followed a few seconds later before collapsing beside her. I pulled her to me as she giggled breathlessly and kissed my chin. I loved lying with her like this; at first it had felt strange to me to feel this _close_ to her after sex but now it just felt right. I could feel both of our hearts still racing and hoped we had a few more minutes before Patty called us for dinner.

"What's so funny?" I asked. She was still giggling slightly, her arms wrapped around my chest, ear pressed over my heart. More than once, she'd told me that she liked to listen to my heart as we came down. She always worried I would think it was weird or something but I understood; she listened to my chest but all I had to do was press my hand against her back and I could feel her heart beating under my palm. And knowing I'd caused that wild, erratic rhythm thumping through her body was pretty awesome.

She shrugged and shook her head. "Nothing, really. It just that-" she laughed again, blushing. "My mother is downstairs making dinner. And we just-" Her blush got even brighter. "We just had sex, really hot sex, in my bed, right above her. I just find the situation… amusing." _God, that blush of hers is hot, _I thought. Still, I rolled my eyes and bent to nibble where her jaw and ear met. She gigged and squirmed away from me.

"Yeah, so? You loved every second of it." She nodded in response, humming against me. "You know, we still never got to do it in your room while your parents were sleeping," I teased.

"Shut up," she laughed. I pulled her back to me and kissed her until she stopped laughing.

We had to go downstairs soon so I kissed her for all I was worth, knowing this was one of the last calm moments we'd have for a while. Both of us were trying to be brave even though we were terrified. Angela was a lot calmer about things than she'd been at first. She was still breaking down crying at random times and yelling at me over nothing but she was _mostly_ keeping it together and thinking things through. I knew she was trying hard to keep her head straight. When we'd gone to see Angela's doctor last week, Dr Scholnick had told us that Angela would probably have mood swings and be very emotional from time to time. The crying and yelling were just like, the tip of the iceberg.

"I love you, Angela," I whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back. "I'm still scared."

"I am, too. But we're going to be okay." I rubbed my hand over her stomach, barely able to tell that it was slightly rounder than before. "I promise, Ange, we're going to be okay. All three of us."

* * *

Dinner was really quiet, quieter than the night Angela had taken the test. There was so much we needed to say but it was like it was too much. Patty was asking me questions but I found it harder than usual to answer them. I just sat next to Angela, my knee pressed to hers and tried not to look guilty. Not that she could see much of my expression through the bruises.

"Listen, Jordan, if you need me to help you look for an apartment, it's no problem. You don't work Wednesday, right? I can take you Wednesday after the shop closes to go look and-"

"Mrs. Chase-" I interrupted.

"Jordan, I've told you, it's Patty." I cringed. I was fine calling her Patty in my head, even in front of Angela but right now, with what we were about to tell her? Yeah, it like, felt wrong.

"Patty, really, it'll be fine," I tried to reassure her. "I've actually been looking for the past few weeks; I knew I was going to have to move out soon, you know? With graduation coming up, the old man has been throwing hints left and right that it's time for me to get out."

Okay, so they were really obvious hints like "_you'd fucking better be looking for a place to live because as soon as you graduate you're out on your ass_", but they were still hints. Kinda. That and I knew that Angela and I were going to need our own place once the baby came.

"Have you found anything yet?" She glanced over at Angela who was kinda staring off into nothing. I nudged her with my knee and she glanced over before looking down at her food; she'd barely touched any of what was on her plate but I knew her stomach had to be tied in knots. Mine was.

I cleared my throat and shrugged, trying to get Patty's attention back on me. "Well, there's this one place down in Shady Side that looks good. It's not far from school and the rent is decent. I've got some money saved up, so it shouldn't be a problem. And it'll be available right after graduation so I'll have a place soon. I can crash at the loft until then, I guess."

"I'd offer you a place here but- well, there would be some rules." She laughed a little and I squirmed a bit. We'd definitely broken those rules, a lot actually. Angela's bed was one of our favorite places.

"No, really it's fine. I'll be ok there; most of the guys in the band have crashed there at some point, even me, and it's not so bad. It's better than my car, at least." I shrugged again. Patty looked over at Angela again and frowned. _Ange, Babe, you need to say something_, I thought, _your mom knows something's up_. But Angela just moved the food on her plate around silently and Patty sighed.

"So if you're moving to Shady Side, will you still be able to work at Jake's?"

"Actually, his cousin owns a garage in Edgewood and offered me a job there. Jake was kinda friends with my mom and her brother in high school and I guess he figures that makes me like, you know, family. He thinks I can learn a lot from Gary and I figure it can't hurt; Gary's more into body work than repairs like Jake and I've done some body work but not a heck of a lot. So, yeah, I'll probably learn a few new skills and that's never a bad thing." I risked taking a glance at Angela myself and realized she looked scared as hell. I mean, I knew she was; this whole thing was terrifying. But the look on Angela's face was like someone about to face the chopping block. No fucking way had Patty _not_ noticed.

"Well, that's nice. I'm glad Jake can see your potential and wants to help you succeed. I hope this ends up being good for you." She frowned then and looked back at Angela. "Angela, you haven't said a word all evening. Is everything alright?" Angela looked up and nodded.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Mom. Just… thinking." I grabbed Angela's hand under the table; it was shaking like a leaf. I knew my face looked guilty. I felt guilty. Patty narrowed her eyes at both of us.

"Okay, you two are acting just plain strange and I don't think it has anything to do with Jordan's situation. Angela, what is going on?" Patty demanded. "You're acting stranger and stranger. I've chalked it up to senioritis and you guys being excited to be done with school but- Something is up and you're keeping secrets. What's going on? What are you guys hiding from me?"

Neither one of us was sure how to say this but Angela… Angela had to take the lead here. This was her mom. I'd told my folks on my own but my situation was a lot different from hers; in a lot of ways, I'd been my own parent for years. As hard as this was, she had to be the one to tell Patty, I couldn't do it for her. After a few deep breaths, she hung her head so low that her hair nearly brushed her plate. The grip she had on my hand was nearly painful but I didn't pull away; I could see her bottom lip trembling and I knew she was seconds away from tears.

"I'm- Mom, I-" Her voice broke and the tears started falling. _I'm here, Angela_. I thought, wishing she could hear me. _I love you. You can do this_. She took a deep breath, still crying. "I'm- _pregnant_." The last word was a strangled whisper but I knew Patty had heard.

White as a sheet, she left the table and stood at the sink, staring out the window. For a long time, she just stood there as Angela cried. I held Angela, rubbing her back as I watched Patty digest this. She was trying to stay blank but I saw several different emotions cross her face: shock, anger, fear, disappointment, doubt, worry. I was worried too but trying not to show it. I mean, for the most part, Angela's parents were ok with me; I treated her well and she was happy. But this was- I'd gotten their daughter pregnant. It's a big-fucking-deal. I'm planning on being there through all of it (I mean, it's my baby too) but they don't know that yet and I still look like the bad guy here.

It wasn't that I thought she'd kick Angela out or like, forbid me to ever see her again but I was still scared as hell something was going to go wrong. It was pretty obvious Patty Chase loved her girls and they'd probably be forgiven anything; I wasn't sure I'd get the same treatment. Angela's birthday was Tuesday but we'd decided to tell Patty _tonight_ because we had our second appointment with Dr Scholnick tomorrow morning and Angela wanted her mother to see the ultrasound. I'd argued against it at first because I wanted, _needed_, to be there and I was really worried about how Patty would react. It was really important to me and to Angela that both of us got to see our baby for the first time _together_ and I didn't want things to be weird because Patty was mad at us. I didn't _want_ to think she'd try to keep me away but the idea that she might try wouldn't leave my mind.

"Is this what you told your father before he- before he kicked you out?" I barely heard the question but I nodded in answer. She wouldn't look directly at me but I knew she could see me out of the corner of her eye. "Did you know that he would react that way?"

"Kinda. I figured he'd try at least. It's been a long time since we actually came to blows and I don't like fighting in general so I'm kinda out of practice. I was expecting it but I wasn't able to block as well as I used to. He said he thinks I'm repeating his mistakes." I shrugged. "It's not the same thing. Not even close."

"I don't understand, what do you mean?"

I sighed and pulled my hair away from my face. "My folks were really young when they had me. My mom had just graduated from high school and my old man was about to start his senior year of college when they found out I was on the way. He married her, 'cause he had to, got a job and just gave up on everything. She told me he was an artist once, like Picasso or something. But he like, stopped painting and sculpting and stopped caring. He just got drunk and mean." She finally looked over at me and I met her eyes with determination. "The difference is that I love Angela. That I already love our baby. I'm scared as hell and I have no idea what I'm doing but I'll do whatever it takes to make sure _both of them _have everything they need. And I'm not giving up."

Patty sighed and closed her eyes, leaning back against the counter. After a moment, she buried her face in her hands. I let go of Angela and she went over to her mom; for a moment, she just stood in front of her, both of them crying quietly. When Angela hugged her, both of them started sobbing. I sat at the table and watched. They were talking softly enough that I couldn't quite understand what they were saying. At one point, I heard Angela saying sorry over and over.

Which is exactly when Danielle came in the back door.

"Hey. What's going on? Is everything okay?" She looked over at me and winced. "Dude, what happened to your face? You look like you went five rounds with Mike Tyson or something."

"Or something." I looked over at Angela and her mom. They were both still crying but trying to wipe the tears off their faces.

"Yeah, don't everybody rush to tell me what's going on or anything. Seriously, who would punch Jordan Catalano? And why are you guys crying?" Danielle rolled her eyes. "What's with all the drama?"

Patty shook her head and leaned against the counter. "I have no idea what to say." Angela was still sniffling and Danielle rolled her eyes, again.

"Oh my god, you guys are like, so emotional. What the heck? Lemme guess, Angela's pregnant and Dad beat you up?" she joked. Patty started laughing and I couldn't help but cringe. Angela giggled a little but still looked shaky and Danielle looked at them like they were crazy.

"Well, you're half right," I sighed. "Though after we tell him, you might be completely right."

Danielle's eyes suddenly got very wide. She turned to me, shocked. "You've got to be kidding me. You knocked up my sister? No fucking wonder you keep telling me not to date guys like you!"

"Danielle!" Patty snapped. "Language!"

"Angela is seventeen and pregnant. He's the one who knocked her up and neither one of them has graduated from high school yet. But you're lecturing me on language?"

"Danielle, please stop saying 'knocked up'," Patty sighed, a pained look on her face.

"Whatever." She looked at me frowning again. "So who beat you up? I mean, you're like, completely damaged."

"My old man, he's… He wasn't exactly excited to hear he's got a grandkid on the way. We got into it and he told me to get out of his house. So I did." I shrugged. "I'm on my own now."

"That's like really messed up. Sucks to be you, man." She looked over at Angela and her mom. They were talking together really quietly and neither of us could hear what they were saying. I figured they needed it and didn't want to interrupt. "Have they been like that long?"

"Just since we told her," I said. "Like, the last ten minutes or so." I nodded over towards the living room. "I think they need a few minutes." Danielle shrugged and followed me out of the room. We sat on the couch and I frowned. "So, you gonna to yell at me too?"

Danielle shook her head. "Not really. I mean, it's kinda weird. I'm going to be an aunt before I'm even halfway through high school. That's just not normal. It's like, a big shock, you know. I mean, I _knew_ you guys were doing it but-" She shook her head. "I mean, Angela's always been like, the favorite. And she's like, _perfect_. And yeah, I sometimes wish like, bad grades or frizzy hair or even millions of zits on her. But it's all been petty shit; she's still my sister. This isn't something I'd have wished to happen to you guys, you know? Wow." She shook her head and curled up in the corner of the couch. "So, what? You're like, homeless now or something?" I shrugged. I'd find somewhere to stay, I knew that. Angela might worry about me but I could handle myself. "Dude, where're you going to sleep? Eat? _Shower_?"

_Like showering is my biggest problem right now._ I shook my head at her and snorted. "I'll be fine. It's not like I've never had to do this before."

Danielle's eyes widened and she looked at me like I was crazy. "The fact that you've had to do this before is not all that reassuring, man. I mean, how are you going to take care of my niece or nephew if you're homeless? Can you still start college in the fall? What the hell are you guys going to do?"

"First off, I'm not going to be homeless for long. We found an apartment in Pittsburgh and we can move in the week after graduation. As for college…" I trailed off and shrugged. "I don't know. I mean, things _are_ going to be hard; there's no way to deny that. The baby will be due in the middle of the semester and we're not sure if she'll be able to go to classes after that. I'm still going to school whether she is or not, but she might have to wait a semester or two. We're talking to the admissions office at Pitt about what we can do. I mean, it's not like we're the only couple to ever get pregnant just before graduation. It _has_ to have happened before." And I wanted Angela to finish school, I wanted her to go to college and be- I just wanted her to be happy. "So just because she's- Look, this baby is _not_ the end of the world," I told her. "It's scary, _for all of us_, but it's not really like, a terrible thing. She's only a few months along and even if she were further along, it not like life stops. We still have to work and go to school and like, live our lives."

Danielle shook her head at me, still looking a bit stunned. "I know but like, doesn't this change everything? Like, doesn't it completely derail all your plans or something?"

"Well, yeah, but in a way it really doesn't. I mean, I'd planned that Angela and me would move in together at some point, just not- not so soon. It's not like I _never_ wanted any of this to happen, it's just a lot faster than we're really ready for." I sighed.

She looked at me liked I'd grown a second head. "So you wanted Angela to get pregnant? Are you fucking _crazy_?"

"Like I said, not _now_; I wanted us to you know, grow up first, have some time for us to be just us, together. I thought we'd maybe even get married, you know? Eventually. After being together for a few more years? And I'm not talking just like a year or two; I'm talking like five years; after college and getting like, real jobs." Danielle just nodded. "Bottom line is, we fucked up. We're way too young to be dealing with all of this, but that doesn't really matter now. We just have to deal, y'know? And stop swearing! Your mom is gonna to think I taught you that stuff!" She laughed but it trailed off into a thoughtful look. For a few minutes both of us just sat there, looking off into nothing. "By the way, Angela told me about your _boyfriend_. A senior? Are you kidding me?"

"It's not a big deal, Jordan, really," she said, rolling her eyes. "So he's a few years older than me? So what? You're older than Angela."

"Yeah, I am," I said cautiously. Talking with Danielle could get sticky; she had a way with words that could turn what you said into something else completely. "But I also didn't start dating her when she was a freshman and I was a senior about to go off to college. It's kinda like, twisted or sleazy or something; you're still a kid and he's like, an adult almost."

"Martin is in no way, shape or form an adult; he's even more immature than me most of the time. He's completely socially retarded. But he's a nice guy," she insisted. "And I'm not serious about him. He's just someone to hang out with and stuff until the end of the summer. We watch movies and make fun of people; it's like being with my friends except we make out."

"You'd _better not_ get too serious," I warned her. "Christ, Danielle, I mean it. If you do something dumb and get yourself- Angela's been all tied up in knots worried about how your folks are going to take this. But if _you_ pull something like this? You're not going to have to worry about your parents killing you because I'll do it myself."

"'Pull something like this'? What, you mean get knocked up before I'm even out of high school?" she snapped. "Isn't that like the pot calling the kettle black or something?"

"Danielle," I warned, glaring at her. She knew what I meant. I wouldn't argue with her if she was going to insult me; she played dirty and it wasn't fair.

"Sorry! I'm sorry," she said. "But you started it. I just- Honestly, I'm not planning on, you know, sleeping with him."

"Just because you don't plan on it doesn't mean it won't happen," I reminded her. "You think either of us _planned_ for Angela to get pregnant?"

"No, of course I don't. I understand the whole, 'be careful because you never know what's going to happen' but-" She frowned and looked at me like she was embarrassed or something. "God, this is like almost as humiliating as talking to my father about sex." She took a deep breath and hid part of her face in her knees. "Dude, I don't want to lose my virginity to this guy, ok? I'm _not_ that into him. There's like this specific guy I'd like, really want to do that with but it's like completely impossible and-" She shook her head and groaned. "God, I don't even want to talk about it. And I agree that it would be a _monumentally_ bad idea for me to… do something that would cause me to be in a situation like yours." I wondered if that 'specific guy' was Brian but didn't say anything because really, I didn't want to know.

"Cool. I'm glad you get it." I was going to talk to her guy too but mentioning that to her would be a really bad idea; she was sneaky and devious and if I _told_ her I was going to scare the shit out of the guy, I'd never get a chance to. "But why is talking to me like talking to your dad? I think I should be offended or something."

"Don't be, you're not like my dad. _At all_. It just that- You're almost like… my big brother or something. It'd be like you talking about sex with… I dunno, my mom? It's just creepy." All of a sudden her eyes lit up. "Hey! If you marry Angela, that'll make you like, my brother-in-law, won't it?"

"Yeah, I guess it would," I agreed. Marriage. My heart started kicking in my chest. Marriage was, again, a big-fucking-deal and I really wasn't sure either one of us was anywhere near ready for it, even with the baby on the way. But it was a less scary idea now and part of me… part of me really wanted it.

"I'd like that," she said, smiling. "I mean, you're pretty much already part of the family; you've been with Angela forever. You watch out for me, even when I don't want you to. It would be nice to have that all be official." Her eyes took on a glint that was kinda devious then, like the look she got when she was planning mischief. "When you propose, which should be _soon_, don't let her think it's about the baby; she'll get pissed off at you if she thinks it's about that." I opened my mouth to reply but couldn't seem to think of anything to say.

"Mom!" I heard Angela shout. "I can not believe you just said that to me!" Danielle and I both cringed and headed back to the kitchen.

"Somebody has to! And you will not take that tone with me, young lady!" Patty shouted back.

"Of all the- I can't even look at you! How could you-" Angela was still yelling when I rushed into the kitchen to find them on opposite sides of the island, screaming at each other. Angela was so angry she was practically shaking. Danielle followed me in but stopped in the doorway.

"Okay, waaaay too much drama here," she said. "I'll be upstairs. Lemme know if you need me to call nine-one-one; Mom looks about ready to have a stroke."

"Just go!" I told her. She nodded and took off. Angela and Patty were still screaming at each other and I couldn't understand any of it. Danielle was right, Patty looked livid; her face was completely red. Angela was in tears again and I knew I had to do something.

"Shut up!" I shouted. "Both of you!" The both looked at me startled, as if they hadn't realized I was in the room. They probably didn't. "Calm down. Just- calm down."

"No!" Angela shouted, "She said- I can't- Why would you say that? You're my _mother_; you're not supposed to _say_ things like that!"

"But you _do_ have options, honey! It's not like when I was your age; there are so many doors still open to you! And I really hope you're not thinking about getting married; there's no sense in compounding one mistake with another." I cringed at that. I _was_ thinking of marrying Angela; it wasn't just because of the baby, though that definitely made things more urgent.

"_Stop calling my baby a mistake!_" Angela screamed. Patty jumped back, shocked and Angela tried to pull herself back together. "This wasn't planned," she whispered, her right hand moving to cover her stomach, like she was trying to protect our baby from her mom's words. "And it may have been an accident but I never, ever want to hear you call this baby a _mistake_ again." Patty crossed over to Angela's side of the island and held her. Angela held her back and Patty kissed her forehead.

"I'm sorry. I won't do it again. You're just so young, Angela! Both of you are just _so young_. All I want is for you to be able to live your lives! There's so much for you to explore, so much to learn and see and do! How can you do that if you're struggling just to survive?" She sighed and shook her head, stepping back. "What are you going to do about college? Health insurance? Money? How are you going to manage household bills? Diapers, toys, clothes? Does Jordan moving to Shady Side mean you are too, Angela? Do you even know when the baby's due?"

"We're due November sixteenth," I whispered. Patty looked over at me and I could see something like shock in her eyes.

"That's- That's a lot sooner than I'd thought." She stood there blinking for a moment and covered her face again. "I need to sit down." Angela and I followed her to the kitchen table and I heard Danielle scramble up the stairs. For a few moments we just sat there looking at each other. Patty looked like she was trying to keep from crying and I knew she was very angry. "You're ten weeks pregnant. When did you find out?"

Angela spoke up. "April twenty-first."

"Well, at least you didn't hide it until after graduation. You said this was an accident?" We both nodded. "I'm disappointed in you both. I'm not a fool; you've been dating for over two years and I remember being a teenager- But still, how could you be so careless and irresponsible?"

"We weren't irresponsible!" Angela insisted. "We were very, very careful, Mom. We used a condom _every single time_. But apparently it wasn't enough." Patty looked like she was about to yell at Angela again so I jumped in.

"We didn't want this to happen. But it happened and now we're taking responsibility. We're having this baby and we're going to do the best we can to take care of it. Neither one of us is ready and we're both scared to death but we both see this as the only option we have."

"You should be scared!" she yelled. "I'm glad you're both thinking this through but- This isn't going to be easy, for either of you-"

"We know," I said, trying to keep calm. "Everyone we've talked to has said that and we get it; we know it's not going to be easy. But we're doing this together, hard or not, and that's gotta count for something."

Patty closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. When she did speak again, her voice was very soft. "So am I the last to know?"

"No, we still have to tell Dad," Angela whispered

"Does everyone _else_ know?" Her face looked desperate and I knew she felt betrayed, by both of us.

Angela nearly choked. "No! Oh, god no! We're trying to keep this quiet, Mom. I don't want _everyone_ knowing about this. It's going to be _obvious_ soon enough. I might be graduating soon but I still- I don't want to be gossiped about. I told Rayanne, Ricky and Sharon, that's it. And I only told _them_ because Rayanne bought me the pregnancy test and she would have told Ricky and Sharon if I hadn't."

Patty calmed a bit. "Well Jordan's obviously told his father. Have you told anyone else?"

I nodded. "I called my mom the night Angela told me. We talked for a long time. She's not happy but she says she'll be supportive. Would be nice if she actually meant it as more than just an emotional support, you know?" Patty frowned and nodded. "Actually, I told Shane first; he's like, my brother almost and- I kinda just needed someone to talk to, you know? He kinda knows where my head's at. I haven't told the rest of the band yet but- Residue is definitely _not_ a priority right now. I'm not going to leave the band or anything, but Angela and the baby come first."

"I understand." She shook her head and looked closely at me. "Jordan, considering the situation, I feel I have to insist that you stay here, at least until you have a real place to go." She frowned. "I don't approve of the behavior that got you both into this mess but- I can't in good conscience let you go sleep at that loft no matter how often you've done it in the past. You can sleep on the couch-" I started to say no but she cut me off. "Just for tonight. We'll find you somewhere else tomorrow. But I want you to stay here until you have a place of your own; at least here I know you're safe."

"I understand," I said.

"Mom?" Angela interrupted, biting her lip. "One of the reasons we wanted to tell you tonight was that- See, we went to see Dr. Scholnick earlier in the week, just to like, confirm everything. And we scheduled an ultrasound for tomorrow morning. I'd kinda wondered if-" Angela cut herself off, looking down and wringing her hands. I grabbed her knee under the table.

"What Angela's trying to say is that we wanted to know if you wanted to come with us." Patty just looked at me for the longest time. "To see the baby. I mean, you know, if you wanted to."

"Of course," she said, grabbing Angela's hands. "Of course I want to see the baby! Are you sure- I mean the first ultrasound is so emotional. Do you really want me to be with you? You don't want it to be just the two of you?" Part of me wanted to say no, to shut her out and keep the whole thing just _ours_. But I knew I couldn't do that; Ange needed her mom and Patty needed to be part of this.

Angela squeezed her hands back. "We can't think of anyone else we'd rather have with us," she whispered. I could tell both of them were starting to tear up again.

"What time?" Patty asked after a deep breath.

"Ten thirty."

"I'll drive you." She sighed again and shook her head. "It's late. I'll grab some bedding and make up the couch for you, Jordan, and then all of us are going to _sleep_." I checked the clock. It was just past nine thirty; not really late for me but it had been a long, hard day for all of us. Angela opened her mouth to say something but Patty interrupted. "I'm done discussing this. I'm tired and I'm just _done_. Angela, you can say good night to Jordan, but then I want you up in your room for the rest of the night." Angela went to say something else but I squeezed her knee. I really didn't want to piss Patty off any more tonight, tomorrow would be hard enough.

"Alright, Mom," she whispered. Patty stood and left the table. Angela let out a sigh of relief as soon as her mom left the room. "Well that went… okay."

I snorted. "Better than when I told my old man." Angela wrapped her arm around my waist and I pulled her closer, kissing the top of her head. "Listen, Ange, don't piss her off too much right now, okay? She doesn't have to be nice to me; I don't expect it. No matter how mad she is at you, she still loves you and it's _still_ going to be my fault. And really, that's okay with me. We're going to need her, Ange. _You're_ going to need her"

"Jordan-"

"Babe," I tried to think of words to explain. "Listen, my mom's folks died before I was born and my dad cut all ties to his family. I don't even know if any of them are _alive_. I just- I want our kid to know at least one set of grandparents. And God knows my folks won't be that."

"I know. And I _know_ I'm going to need her, that we'll both need her," she whispered. "I'm just- It's so hard to- I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm tired and I'm scared and I hate the idea that you'll be so close tonight and I can't actually _be_ with you."

"I feel the same way." I held her tighter and kissed her. "But we need to follow her rules. I don't have a place yet and there's no way in hell I'm letting my pregnant girlfriend sleep in the street, not when you could stay with your folks. When the apartment's ready, we'll get to be together all the time; neither one of us is going to have to leave at the end of the night because we'll be _home_." I pulled her chin up so she was looking me right in the eyes. "For now we have to do what we have to do."

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A/N: Wow... ok first things first. I am SOOO sorry this took so long. I kinda... got lost. I don't have the next chapter ready, either so we'll see when I can get that to you. I hope you guys are still reading. It's been a long but quick year. I got a promotion/change of position at work; I'm now a computer teacher. I teach 2yrolds not to chew on the mouse cord. This cracks me up to no end. I am, comparatively, the most tech savvy employee they have. However, my husband, brother and father are all programmers and experts. It's an interesting situation.

I hope you all enjoy this chapter and I'd like to thank luvjordan for all her (very patient) help. Please read and review.


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